the end

After eight years, I have decided to bring my online blog to a close.

Things are much different than they were eight years ago. When I started blogging, it was to try and fit in with all the cool kids who had their own online blogs. I wanted to say I did the things they did, knew the things they did, started trends the way they did. Back then, I only wrote about the good stuff. A few years down the line, I only wrote about the bad stuff. Nowadays, I write about the inspiring stuff.

But none of that comprises the entire story. Because of the nature of blogging, my words become public domain, and there are some things I'd rather not have the public know about. Over the years, blogging has transformed from a kind of personal exhibition to my own personal reflection, so I'd prefer to keep it like that. Personal.

I will continue writing on my own. I'm toying with a couple of subject blog ideas, but who knows if those will actually come to fruition. For now, I'll keep my words to myself and see where the future takes me.

Thanks to those who have followed along all these years. It really was nice to be heard.

Goodbye, blogosphere. It's been awesome.

the beginning

I have three weeks left on board the Carnival Sensation, and I can't help but sit in awe, thinking about the things I have accomplished in the last five and a half months. In at time, I've learned and performed close to 200 songs, some of which were of genres that I previously wouldn't have touched with a ten-foot pole; I've lost a total of 25 pounds and increased my strength by leaps and bounds; I've gotten out of debt and began saving money for the first time in three years; I've seen tropical fish, ran across pristine Bahamian beaches, toured the navigational bridge of our ship, eaten dinner with the ship's captain, learned archaic words and read books by some of the greatest modern authors, dominated in trivia, witnessed the final launch of the Discovery Space Shuttle, partied like a rockstar, shook my hips to foreign music, conversed with a pirate, shot a fire hose out of a moving vessel, flipped a capsized life raft, and did flips off a flying trapeze; I've broken up with a boy and said goodbye to another; and I've made what are sure to be life-long friendships.

Best of all, this is just the beginning.

Every day, I send my eternal gratitude for my blessings and good fortune. While it might just be enough to say that I am thankful for a job that lets me do what I love, the true experience comes from the opportunity to travel and learn about cultures other than my own, making me a wiser, more compassionate, and effective member of our society. Also, the exposure to a new locale made me aware of how important it is to preserve our environment and the beauty it holds.

From here on out, it only gets better. I will definitely be sad when this all comes to a close, but there are so many more great adventures that await. If all goes as planned, I will be traveling to 18 countries in the next ten months (not including the U.S.). It has been a lifelong dream of mine to travel the world, and this is the moment it all begins for me. Incredible.

I plan on embracing the next three weeks and all that it brings. It's going to be one hell of a sign off.

pencil it in

For the first time in about three years, I have found stability. The next ten months of my life are tentatively, if not already concretely, planned, and now all that is left to do is sit back and wait for time to pass. Nice, right? In a time of insecurity, I have found a little bit of peace. I know where my money is coming from, I know where it's going, and I know what it's doing for me. And all the while, I'll be doing what I love.

Why, then, aren't I more excited?

This is the strange thing about being transient. You rely on instability to give you the drive and motivation to keep going. You crave it, even though you'd never admit it, because it means that you're constantly seeking something more. More than what's in front of you and more than what you're capable of, thus transforming you into a stronger, smarter, and more worldly person. There's a cruel kind of superiority in our thinking. We can handle the worst of the worst because we've been there, done that. Stability is for people who won't risk following their hearts and chasing after their dreams.

Most of all, when life is not certain, you become aware of your blessings. Like the fact that I can say, with complete honesty, that once in my life, I had a job I loved with the whole of my heart and my being. Time didn't matter, money didn't matter. I did what I felt like I was born to do.

Rewind to about five years ago, shortly after I graduated college. I will admit, I was a control freak. Back then, and even sometimes now, I wanted a clear delineation of what was to come, complete with the answers to every possible "what if." Life had to be mapped out years in advance because it was all a part of the greater plan: progress to management, start a hefty savings, meet a guy, fall in love, start a family. But that didn't seem to be the plan for me. None of it, from the very beginning, made me feel happy. I felt out of place, and I wanted more than that kind of life had to offer. So I left it behind in search of excitement and purpose, and along with that came instability.

Today, I am filled with gratitude and awe at the gifts my life has offered me. It's peculiar then that now, when given the chance to breathe and truly appreciate everything that has come my way, I feel unfulfilled. Maybe because the stability reminds me of a life I didn't want. Or perhaps I fear that I may neglect a better opportunity that might come along. I don't know. It's stupid, meaningless, and most likely, fleeting.

I will embrace the blessing and pencil it all into my calendar. I really am incredibly fortunate to be living the dream.

lost

I blew out my voice last week, and I was medically signed off for about four days. This meant I was unable to talk, work, or leave the ship until I was fully recuperated. I spent that time sitting in my room, completely mute, drinking ginger tea with lemon and honey, wrapped up in my bed, watching DVDs of How I Met Your Mother, seasons two, three, and four. I didn't wear make up, I didn't do my hair, I didn't get out of my pajamas - except for when I worked out - and the only reason I bothered to shower was because I worked out. I wasn't technically sick, but I was behaving like I was sick so I started to feel that way too. Honestly, it was the worst four days I have spent on the ship, and that's counting those days I spent crying after good friends had signed off and headed home.

I suppose the deterioration began a while ago. I perform a total of 10.75 hours each week, rehearse 4 hours each week, and spend about 4 more hours each week practicing on my own. That totals 18.75 hours of singing each week. Granted, only the performance part of it is balls-to-the-wall kind of singing, as I have the option to vocally mark the rehearsal part. Overall, I don't have much to complain about, especially when compared to Broadway musical performers who can easily hit up to 24 hours a week of balls-to-the-wall singing. But you see, I'm not a Broadway musical performer. Nor am I the world's greatest vocal technician. Plus, I'll admit that I can be a bit irresponsible when it comes to my voice. I drink, I hang out with my smoking friends in the smoking section, I talk over loud music, or I talk to much. I also sing to myself while doing menial tasks to help memorize lyrics or try out new vocal licks. Recently, I've learned that I now sing in my sleep; I've woken up and found myself humming a tune. It's weird. So over the course of 20 weeks, the culmination of imprecise technique, excessive gabbing, and the negative effects of my environment finally caught up to me. Last Friday, in the middle of a set, my voice just stopped working.

It was painful. Physically, not so much, but my pride took a huge hit. I started the hour-long set in less-than-perfect condition, having yelled a lot the night before, and as the set wore on, my voice faded exponentially. In the last fifteen minutes, the top part of my range became inaccessible, my breathing was labored, and I couldn't sustain anything. I held back tears as I altered melody lines on the fly, and I breathed as deeply as I could, hoping that time would miraculously find a way to speed up and get me out of there. It was utterly embarrassing, to be representing myself and the entertainment department as anything less than stellar. I saw the ship doctor the next day, who knows absolutely nothing about vocal health, and he put me on antibiotics for a sickness I did not have and sent me away with strict orders to drink hot liquids and refrain from speaking. I checked in day after day to fill him in on my progress, and on Tuesday, I proclaimed myself well enough to return to work. However, I wasn't completely at 100%, so my first set back on the job was definitely wimpy. But my music director-slash-boss was begging me to come back as soon as I could because he could only hold down the fort with instrumental jazz music sans singer for so much longer.

It's a strange experience to not be speaking. This has certainly happened to me before, but because I had not previously been employed as a professional singer, I never really took the "no talking" advice very seriously. Not even while I was at AMDA. This time, though, I saw how my absence adversely affected the members of my team, and I wanted to get better and back to work as soon as possible. So I stayed zipped for four days straight. Also, while on vocal rest, I refrained from any socialization because of the temptation to vocalize. I could have stopped talking around other people, but there are so many other ways to use our voices as a form of communication: humming in agreement, up-voicing in question, or simply laughing. I only spoke when absolutely necessary. I found that other people stopped talking when they were around me too, preferring to mouth or use some chopped up version of sign language. Maybe it's because they didn't want to put me in a position of having to use my voice. Or maybe it was some sort of mutual communication standard to match the volume level and intensity of your partner. Either way, it was interesting to observe. The last four days have definitely improved my listening skills. I hope to maintain that because it's been nice getting to hear others talk more.

I only have six and a half more weeks on the ship, and in order to prevent this from happening again, I'm vowing to be more careful with my voice. I feel lost without it. And it's no fun not being able to work when you do what you love.

love games

I'm reaching the end of the fourth month of my contract, a momentous occasion. Not because I've reached a career milestone or because I went on some memorable excursion or because I received a great accolade. Here, in the fourth month of my contract, the secret is out: I have a sort-of boyfriend.

Here's the story.

For the last four months, I have been secretly dating (for lack of a better word... I'll get to that in a minute) one of my co-workers on the ship. The reason we kept it secret is two-fold. First, we were warned by another co-worker that relationships of our nature were discouraged because in the case that a severance needed to be made due to poor performance by an employee-slash-one of the participating parties, feelings would be hurt and grudges would be held. (This, we were told, came from witnessing such a scenario unfold on a previous ship.) This warning contradicts our company policy, which supports romantic relationships among co-workers. The warning was more like a safety net. Alright, and second, neither of us wanted a relationship. Hence the loose use of the term "dating." We were by no means exclusive.

At first, that's all it was. A casual thing. Oh man, it was so much fun. Trying to be sneaky and thinking we were actually succeeding at it. Of course, things like this are never black and white, no matter how explicit you are about the rules. Sooner or later, the walls break down and you start to feel something against all sorts of good judgement. I started to fall for this guy, which surprised me, mostly because if we were in a different environment - well, to be honest, any environment other than the one we were in - I probably wouldn't have given him a second thought. He's not really my type. But the heart wants what it wants, and eventually, things got complicated.

It wasn't a one-sided thing either. Jealousy fought its way into our "relationship," and there were a handful awkward conversations over the course of the last four months. But that's the trouble about having a quote-unquote-relationship; while you get the benefits of being with someone, you don't really have the right to question their motives. At least that's how I saw it. Sometimes, it felt like we were in a battle, trying to come out on top in a series of love games.

Over time, things fell into place. We were significant to one another without being significant others. And that was enough.

He's gone now. Having finished his contract, he left for home this morning. It's a strange thing to know that your relationship with a person has a concrete expiration date. There was never any intention to pursue what we had beyond the confines of our predetermined timeline, and as the date of his departure approached, an overwhelming sense of bittersweet nostalgia came over me. In the last few days, I've replayed moments of sheer perfection spent on sandy Bahamian beaches, on the open decks of our floating home, or in the comfort of my private cabin. Despite the fact that what we had wasn't real by any normal standard, I gained a lot from my relationship with this man. I learned to let go of judgement, expectation, and worry. My self-esteem skyrocketed, not only from his attraction to me but also in his belief in the strength of my character. He piqued my curiosity with his intellect and life experiences. Above all, he showed me that I could have a meaningful and positive relationship with a guy, something I have questioned after countless years of being a single girl.

While I'm definitely sad to see him go, I'm so happy to have met him and had him as a part of my life. He'll always hold a special place in my heart.

thirty before thirty

I'm pretty bad at making and keeping resolutions. I tend to make the same resolutions every year - lose weight, go to church, call home more often - and I never really stick to them. Maybe because they're cliched, or maybe because I believe that I'll always have more time next year. So this year, I've decided not to make any resolutions at all. In 2010, I did pretty well without having much of a game plan; life sorted itself out and sent me on a grand adventure. I'm hoping this year will do the same.

Instead of making a list of things I hope to achieve by the end of 2011, I've decided to get started on my "30 Before 30" list. This list is composed of ambitions and desires I've had for a long time but never really set out to accomplish. Furthermore, they are not specifically things I should do, but rather, things I want to do. Each item on the list has a measurable outcome and can easily be completed by my thirtieth birthday in 2014. They are adventures and experiences that I hope to learn from, thereby making me a more well-rounded person.

Ultimately, this list is about letting go of regret. I believe the reason why I found so much happiness last year was because I cast off the expectations and pursued the things that really mattered to me. And it lead me to incredible places and people that I had never previously dreamed of visiting and meeting. That's what I want my life to be like. Full of joy.

So here we go! Oh, and companions are certainly welcome for these wondrous adventures. :)

30 BEFORE 30

TRAVEL
1. Drive cross-country. I've dreamed of doing this since the day I got my driver's license. So why haven't I done it already? I really don't know.

2. Visit Chicago. Chicago is one of those places that countless people have told me I would love. I want to find out if it's true.

3. Visit New Orleans. It seems like the cool thing to do.

4. Visit The Wizarding World of Harry Potter. I LOVE HARRY POTTER. Enough said.

5. Travel to Mexico. How is it possible that I grew up in California and yet never crossed the southern border?

6. Travel to Asia (ideally Thailand, Vietnam, and the Philippines). I think it's about time to make the pilgrimage.

EXCURSIONS
7. Skydiving. Honestly, this terrifies me. That's why it's on the list.

8. Participate in an urban race/scavenger hunt. This is my kind of fun.

9. Go to the crown of the Statue of Liberty. Now that it's reopened, I want to see the view from the top.

10. Spend a night in the Grand Californian Hotel. That would be the ultimate Disneyland experience.

11. Take a surfing class. I'm a California girl. It feels right.

12. Ride on a jet ski. Some folks and I are contemplating a jet ski ride on a Bahamaian beach. This could quite possibly be the first thing I cross off the list.

13. Go white water rafting. I'm a thrill seeker. Clearly.

14. Watch a concert from the front row. I've watched a handful of Broadway shows from the front row. I suppose seeing a concert from the front row would be just as cool.

EDUCATION

15. Learn how to play the guitar. I've got a few chords and songs under my belt, but I want to get to the point that I wouldn't be totally embarrassed jamming at a party.

16. Study vocal pedagogy. I know how to use my voice, but I don't know how it works. If that makes any sense.

17. Drive a stick shift. I tried this once in high school. Epic fail. But if at first you don't succeed, try try again.

CAREER
18. Audition for Wicked. I was once the first in line for an Equity Principal Audition in New York City, but I was turned away because I was non-Equity. Listen, Telsey + Company. You WILL see me for this show one day. And it WILL be before my thirtieth birthday. So there.

19. Perform in a straight play, classical or contemporary. I'll admit that I'm a musical theatre nut, but after doing a scene from The Intelligent Design of Jenny Chow for my drama showcase at AMDA, I'm curious to see how I'd fare in a straight play.

20. Watch every film that won the Academy Award for Best Picture (through 2013). The best way to learn your craft is to observe those that do it best.

COMMUNITY
21. Participate in Bay to Breakers. I'm probably the only Bay Area native who hasn't participated in this rite of passage. I'll be joining the crowds at the 100th annual Bay to Breakers this May. See you there?

22. Volunteer with Habitat for Humanity. Home is where the heart is. And everyone deserves that.

23. Donate to Locks of Love. I don't plan on auditioning for the next year (as I hope to be cruising for the next several months), which makes this a good time to grow out my hair for the first time in three years. I do prefer it short, but I thought I'd give long hair another try while I can. At the end of it all, I plan on chopping off 10+ inches to donate to Locks of Love, returning me to the look that's on my current headshot.

24. Become CPR/First Aid certified. Safety first, right?

PERSONAL
25. Reach my personal weight goal. This one feels like it's taken me a lifetime to achieve. But I'm closer than I've ever been, and I'm not going to give up for anything.

26. Do the splits on both sides, a yoga headstand, and crane. I'm currently a few inches from the splits on both sides, I've done a yoga headstand once, and I can balance in crane for about five seconds. I'm gonna get there, I swear.

27. Attend a bikram yoga class. Everyone says it's amazing. I want to find out what the fuss is all about.

23. Buy a DSLR. The used model I bought last summer was such a tease. I want more. MORE.

29. Build up a proper savings account. I obliterated my savings account after I left New York and went home unemployed last year. I need to start saving up again, for those just-in-case moments.

30. Learn Tagalog. Growing up, I didn't mind that my parents opted not to teach me Tagalog because I didn't see much of a need for it. But now that I'm an adult, I'm beginning to realize that language isn't so much about utility as it is about identity. And though I am American, I am also Filipino, and I want to learn more about that part of me. I don't expect to ever be fluent in the language; I suppose it's too late for that. But if, by the time I'm 30, I can hold a 15-minute conversation in Tagalog with my Lola - or Taglish, even - I'd consider that success.

project 365

On January 1, 2010, I embarked on a life-changing mission called Project 365. The challenge was to take one picture every day of the year. Of course, at the time I didn't think of it as much of a challenge, nor did I expect it would actually change my life. But, at times, it was, and at the end of it all, it did.

I feel fortunate to have captured the entirety of 2010 in digital images. When the year began, I had no idea about the things that were about to happen, grand adventures that were about to unfold. Project 365 has helped me to find gratitude in every moment, allowing me to recognize and acknowledge my blessings. While I can easily look back and assign milestones to years, it's not often that I can truly claim that one year in particular was the best year ever. I know that I have a lot to look forward to, but damn, 2010, you did me right!

My dear friend Ratha and I have this funny thing we do where we assign an overall theme to the beginning of the year, sort of a self-fulfilling prophesy for all the things we hope to accomplish in the days and months to come. 2008 we titled "The Year of Change," and that's precisely what it brought; the glory days of Chez Echo came to an end, I moved to New York City to change careers and pursue my dreams, and Barak Obama was elected into office as President with a promise of change for the American people. In 2009, we vowed to "Live it Up!," which I certainly did while spending my one and only full calendar year living in New York City. When 2010 rolled around, we weren't quite sure how to label the beginning of a new decade. Ratha thought we should call it "The Year of Love" because so many people she knew were getting married. I wanted to call it "Legendary" because I had my first professional acting gig lined up and could sense a lot more incredible things coming my way.

2010 has blown me away. I began the year in high spirits, wearing my brand new and smoking hot LBD, drinking mojitos with my girlfriends at the Cuban restaurant I was working at in New York City. I was preparing for a belated holiday trip home, after which I would be flying down to Miami for a two-month contract with Actors' Playhouse doing Miss Saigon. That officially crossed off two things on my bucket list - perform professionally and perform in Miss Saigon. After that, I hoped that I might get another job offer within the year. Little did I know that I would get three, one of which I would have to walk away from in order to accept another that I probably would have waited a lifetime for if I had to. I spent much of this year in Florida, a place I had always thought of living in but never really considered a possibility, and my in-between time was spent in New York, where I unexpectedly fell into the center of a budding lawsuit and simultaneously burned a bridge with a now-forgotten co-worker, and back home-home in California. I dealt with unemployment and its accompanying depression for the first time in my life, and I had to say goodbye to some of the closest friends I've ever made, not knowing when, or if, we'd ever see each other again. I helped those same friends produce two of our own shows in New York City, living up to the age-old adage that if you can make it there, you can make it anywhere. At home, I reconnected with long-lost friends that I had fallen out of touch with over the years, and I learned about the resiliency of love. I made plans for the future, I cancelled plans for the future, and I tried my best to live in the moment. I struggled for money, lost a lot of money, then came into enough money to help me start breathing again. As the oldest in my family, I feel a lot of pressure to be the ideal role model for everyone else and a strong pillar of support that my relatives can rely on. But this year, I came to accept my faults and weaknesses and learned to find strength in my sister and cousin, to whom I offer all my love and gratitude. I miraculously traveled for free much of this year, and though not every place I've visited has been the ideal travel destination, I am thankful and humbled by the opportunity to see the world and gain invaluable knowledge and wisdom, all while doing what I love.

So 2010 was legendary. But Ratha might have been on to something. This year was also full of love. Those adventures and experiences never would have happened to me if I didn't pursue the thing I loved. This was the year I made a full commitment to my health and fitness. I did that to help cultivate a self-love, and I wanted to give myself the best possible chance for a long and healthy life because I have finally started to believe that I am deserving of all that. And then there were the three men who came into my life this year and taught me, each in their own way, that I am worth loving. I owe a lot of my recent happiness to them.

Bottom line: 2010, you were awesome! This New Year's Eve, I'm coming around full circle. I'll be wearing my not-so-brand new but still smoking hot LBD, drinking mojitos with my guy friends on the cruise ship I work on in the Bahamas. It feels right to end the year much like I started it. Joy begets joy. Or something like that.

2011, bring it on!

View my Project 365 here:

Volume 1 - http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2581747&id=1204954&l=d4bed45e35

Volume 2 - http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2668120&id=1204954&l=2255a41c31

diary of a single girl

If I were to be completely honest with myself, I'd have to admit that the truth is I've never been in love. There were times when I thought I was in love, but in retrospect, turns out I was actually in need. I needed someone to make me feel like I was special because at the time, I didn't believe it myself. And having someone like that around made my days bearable. There were also times when I'm pretty sure I've been close to being in love. The trouble is, the other person never knew it. Extenuating circumstances - usually another woman - prevented me from professing my amorous feelings, and as a result, love never truly blossomed.

For a long time, I thought that my ultimate life's goal was to be married, own a house, and raise a family. I mean, isn't that what everyone who grows up in the suburbs wants? Okay, I'm a bit of a non-conformist, and my life thus far hasn't really pushed me in that direction. But I always believed I was just a little bit misguided and that eventually, the path I was on would join up with the ones everyone else seemed to be following. I also believed that if I pursued the things I loved - music, travel, adventure - I'd fall in love with someone along the way. Um, God? It's been about 26 years now, quickly going on eternity. Don't you think I've been wandering around long enough?

Maybe I'm not cut out for love. I don't suppose everyone is. You hear stories of people who spend their lives in solitude; maybe I'm one of those people. It strikes me as a bit odd, though. I believe I'm an incredibly passionate person, and I strive to build strong and meaningful relationships with people. Wouldn't I be suited for love? I think I could handle it.

I have received endless advice from people on the subject: "You've got to put yourself out there!" Okay, so I've tried online dating. Multiple times, in fact. Every guy I run into on the Internet just never seems to be a match. Either he wants to marry me in a week, he can't hold a conversation to save his life, or I'm just not that attracted to him. I've been set up on dates by friends, but there's usually a lack of chemistry. Hell, I've even picked up guys at bars. But those kinds of guys end up working in the porn industry (true story, and I swear I didn't see it coming) or have some frighteningly weird sexual fetish (also another true story, which I probably should have seen coming). There's also the good old, "You've got to stop searching for it. I found the love of my life when I was least expecting it, and I've never been happier." For all those who have ever doled this piece of wisdom out to me, first of all, I would like to make you aware of the fact that when I came on board the Carnival Sensation, the last thing I wanted was to start a relationship. But then I fell for a guy, and it's turned out to be the most complicated, difficult, and heart-wrenching situation I've ever found myself in. Second of all, fuck you. (I mean that in the nicest way possible.)

How many times do you have to strike out before you realize that you just aren't that great of a baseball player? Don't get me wrong, I know my way around the field. I suppose I'm not meant to be a pro, that's all. So perhaps I should consider an alternate course of action.

I'm giving up on the suburban dream. You know, rich husband, white picket fence, 2.5 kids and a dog, the works. It's not that shocking, I guess, given my track record (headline: Single Girl Gets Her Heart Torn in Two, Yet Again!), and come on, can you really imagine me settling down? The passionate musician who leaves all she knows behind to pursue and preserve her art, becoming an avid globetrotter in the process... Maybe it's worth throwing in the towel. At the end of my life, I'd love to tell stories of me singing my way across our lovely planet, exploring unfamiliar corners and meeting the fabulous folks of our great green earth. Not many people get to do that. And I've got a good start on it already. Is it necessary to have a life partner to do it all with? I've still got chemistry, I've still got romance, that should suffice. It has so far, for the most part.

Okay, there is a part of me that is surrendering. I've never felt like a keeper, mostly because no one's ever wanted to have me. But instead of wallowing in my misery, I'm rejecting it and embracing the life of the Single Girl. At this point, what else is there to do, really?

Maybe I'm not meant to find love. But I sure as hell will find adventure.

drumroll, please

There's this incredibly romantic episode in season one of How I Met Your Mother, my favorite TV show, called "Drumroll, Please." Here's a rundown for those not in the know: Ted, the protagonist of the show, attends the wedding of an old friend. There, he meets a girl who catches his interest. When he approaches her, the interest is clearly mutual. However, she proposes that the two of them attempt to achieve the ultimate one-night stand - all the romance without the awkwardness of the morning after. The rules are no last names, no kissing, and no goodbyes. That way, in the years to come, both she, first given the alias Buttercup but later revealed as Victoria, and Ted will have an untarnished memory of an incredibly romantic night that neither or them will forget. Sounds good enough. They spend the evening doing fun and spontaneous things, like stealing the bride's bouquet, tap dancing to piano music in an adjacent reception hall, doing cartwheels down the hallways. At one point, Ted asks Victoria if he can kiss her. She declines, saying that kissing would shatter the illusion of idyllic romance because Ted may end up being a bad kisser, thereby ruining the perfect evening. So Victoria suggests that they do a lead up to a kiss, the moment of anticipation right before the lips meet. A drumroll, if you will. Ted reluctantly agrees, and both admit the moment is exhilarating. At the end of the night, Ted confesses that while the evening was indeed perfect, it will end unhappily as he watches Victoria walk out the door. She smiles at him, asks him to close his eyes and count to five, and tearfully walks away in the brief moment that she is hidden from him, to help him preserve a perfect memory of her.

I first watched this episode about three or four years ago, when I first discovered How I Met Your Mother. I have since watched it multiple times, and every time, I am simultaneously entranced and frustrated. What an interesting concept, to have an unadulterated evening of bliss with someone you are clearly enamored with. But how frustrating to think that moments like that can't last forever. Of course, in the course of the season, Ted tracks Victoria down and they get involved in a short but sweet relationship, eventually terminating because of long distance.

Now that's the stuff that romance is made of. But come on, who does that really happen to? No one, right?

Wrong, friends. So very wrong. I know this because... Well, I just met my Buttercup.

Truth be told, when I first got on this ship a little over a month ago, romance was the last thing on my mind. First of all, I had a job to do, a job which I've been waiting a lifetime for. Second of all, and just as important, I had some money to make. And I didn't want to engage in anything that might be detrimental in achieving either of those goals. I also understood and accepted the reality of my situation; I'd be here for six months, during which time people would come and go, and it wasn't a good scenario for starting a lasting and meaningful relationship. I was ready to have non-committal fun, in whatever form it took. But then I met Buttercup.

The funny thing was, I already had someone else in mind for myself. Someone whom I'd been secretly waiting for and hoping that he was also secretly waiting for me. I never really gave him much of a thought previously, mostly because I was never in the right place at the right time, but recently, new possibilities opened up. And I was holding out for those. Maybe I still am, I don't know. But the truth is, I'm here, he's there, and there's a whole lot of time and distance between us at the moment. Then Buttercup walked into my life. Or rather, I came on board his. He took me by surprise, mostly because there were so many things about him that didn't fit my usual bill: he's younger than I am (I'll admit that I'm an agist and have historically refused to date anyone younger than me), he's not really my type (you know, I've got the Miss Saigon syndrome - Asian girl falls for the clean cut, all-American white boy), he doesn't have the type of career I prefer (I dated a guy years ago who does the exact same thing that Buttercup does, and it blew up in my face, so I've sworn off those kinds of guys since then). There are a lot of other complications to throw in the mix as well. In a nutshell, he's not right for me. But geez Louise, I think he's the bee's knees. Everything about him, from his looks to his laugh to his charming personality, has me doe-eyed and star struck. He really does it for me.

We spent one incredible month together, the last week of which sent me reeling back into youthful nostalgia as we spent nights walking along the beach, dancing under the stars, and kissing on balconies. But last weekend, he was transferred to another ship, where he is finishing out the remainder of his contract. As expected, I am heartbroken, and not a day has yet passed that I haven't cried like a teenage girl who just broke up with her high school sweetheart. We are trying to maintain contact, but living on the seas makes communication difficult. The odds are not in our favor, and I honestly wonder whether I'll ever see this incredible man again.

Here's the thing that I find most interesting about the situation. Those that are closest to me can attest that I am a closed person. Very rarely do I let my emotional guard down, and of the few times that I do, about 0.01% of those are for romantic endeavors. So why him? Why was he the one that I let myself open up to? Maybe it's because I was so physically attracted to him. Maybe it's because he is so genuinely sweet, and I felt that I had found a kindred spirit. I think, though, what it boils down to is that I know things here are temporary, so I want to make the most of it. Buttercup and I had a clear expiration date, and I wanted to relish every moment I had with him, even if it meant becoming vulnerable. And for the first time in a very long time, my feelings were reciprocated. Being open to him opened me up to happiness, no matter how short-lived it may be. I learned that I want more of this in my life and that the risk is clearly worth the reward. I just have to let myself fall once in a while.

I know that reality is gaining on the fantasy life Buttercup and I managed to piece together. Regardless of the outcome, I will cherish the time we had together. We had one hell of a drumroll.

beyond the sea

I can't believe I'm approaching the end of the first month of my contract. Time really flies when you're having fun, and I'm having a TON of fun! In a nutshell: singing with the band is a complete joy, and it's so fulfilling to have my knowledge and skill challenged on a daily basis. My performance is improving day by day, so none of this ever feels like work. The only difficulty is keeping my vocal health up; I sing a large portion of my sets near a smoking area on board, so I am affected by the secondhand smoke on a regular basis. I do have a handful of medical tools to help keep my chords lubricated and in tip top shape, and it's simply a matter of staying on the ball. I'm enjoying my company, and I'm learning to be more social, which can be difficult for me sometimes. But I keep reminding myself that this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and I'm trying to live each moment to the fullest.

I've continued to think about what I want to do after this contract is over, and day after day, my answer stays the same. I'm going to expose myself to some musical opportunities here on board to help me explore what exactly I'd like to immerse myself in next to help me keep all my options open. Though I'm starting to see that my hopes and desires are well developed and getting to the point of fruition. Which is so so so exciting, but there is a part of me that feels like I might not be ready to grow up yet and take the plunge into adulthood. There is a lot more I want to see and do in this world before I settle down, if I ultimately decide to get settled, and I wonder if those things will fall to the wayside while I pursue my greater goals. Perhaps all this is needless speculating, but it's the kind of thing you've got to consider when making giant decisions, right?

Well, while that's happening, I might as well take things as they come. That's all I can expect to do, after all.

Pictures to come soon!

getting my sea legs

I just completed my first week with the Carnival Sensation, and I'm happy to announce that things have been, well, sensational! As was expected, I've had an overwhelming seven days, chock full of employee training, performance observing, show rehearsing, and environmental orienting. This life will be a tough one to adapt to, mostly because everywhere I go, the floor seems to be sliding out from under me! I've got Dramamine on hand, in case my motion sickness takes the turn for the worst, but I'm hoping that my body will naturally adjust itself sooner or later. And it better be sooner rather than later or else this will be a very long six months.

My first impressions:

1. This boat has a LOT of neon. I mean, it's like Vegas threw up a cruise ship and sent it sailing to the Bahamas. The Sensation was built in 1993, and it hasn't gone under any renovations since then. It still maintains its original tacky splendor. But hey, it's as good a place as any to call home.
2. The clientele are not the type of people I was originally expecting. There aren't too many families, and the few that are here have children of all ages, from toddlers to older teens. Mostly it's middle-aged and older couples. There are a lot of Black Americans, but there are surprisingly a large number of foreigners traveling too, which I really didn't expect.
3. In terms of the crew and staff, there are very few Americans. I think I'm one of maybe nine or ten out of a total of 800-ish employees on board. I've learned it's because Carnival doesn't have to pay taxes on any employees except Americans. So I'm a rare breed here on board. It's a bit confusing though because there are a TON of Filipinos, and a lot of them think I'm Filipino. Until I start speaking perfect American English. Then it's another story altogether.
4. My bandmates are AWESOME! I'm singing with four guys - wait, take it in, four STRAIGHT guys - and all of them are extremely talented musicians. They seem to like me well enough, but at this point, I can't tell if they're just being nice to the new girl. Their humor is going to take some getting used to; I forgot how raunchy straight guys can be, and that level of raunchiness grows exponentially when there are more of them congregated together. I think I'll have to take a lesson or two from Robin Scherbatsky. (Side note: I'm re-watching season one of How I Met Your Mother, and I completely forgot how incredible that season was. It might just be my favorite.)
5. I am always hungry! I think because we're not allowed to have food in our cabins, I'm eating less in general than I would normally. Also, there are set meal times, so I can't just aimlessly eat. I have to plan my meals, which makes me more conscious of what I consume. This is probably a good thing.
6. I'm not stateside very often. We only port in Florida twice a week, and when we are there, we're only there till 3:00 pm. I'm a lot more isolated than I thought I would be. This is also probably a good thing.
7. #6 means that I may not get to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part One in movie theaters. I'm very sad about that.
8. My first official performance happened yesterday, Wednesday night. (I had a "preview" of sorts Monday night in one of the ship lounges that doesn't prove to be very popular on Monday nights, so I had an audience of about 6.) It was AMAZING! I had so much fun singing and laughing with the guests, and they were having fun too, apparently, because about halfway through the set, the audience started cheering, "We love Gina! We love Gina!" Afterwards, the band and I received compliments from many people, saying that we made their entire vacation. I'm so happy to have put smiles on so many faces and really enjoy myself while I'm doing it!
9. I've done a lot of thinking about whether to stay at home or move back to New York after this contract. Every night this week, I have written in a journal about my feelings toward each place and what I hope to get out of either home of New York. It has been extremely enlightening, and things are much clearer. My decision will be an easy one, I'm sure of it. In fact, I probably already know what I want to do. But I'm going to let myself continue to write out my feelings because there is always the possibility that my decision could change in the next few weeks or months. However, at this point in time, I can say that what I seem to be headed toward is making me very very happy.

Two cruises down, fifty one more to go!

bahama breeze

I'm happy to announce that I finally received my ship assignment! On November 7, I will be joining the Carnival Cruise Line's Sensation as a vocalist, sailing between Orlando and the Bahamas, through May 2011. I'm really looking forward to spending the next six months in tropical paradise and escaping my second winter of the year. Geez Louise, I'm so spoiled.

I'm also grateful for the time I'll have to really meditate and figure out what I want to do with my life after those six months are over. As cool as it sounds to be cruising for six months, the flip side is that without phone, Internet, or TV service, or any real time off the ship (I work 3- and 4-day cruises back to back with little time stateside), I'll essentially be living in isolation. But I'm counting my blessings and am taking this as an opportunity to reflect and asses my emotions about the state of my career and, potentially, the beginning of a new chapter of my life.

I've constantly been mulling over my options during the last few days, and I'm starting to feel bad for my friends because it seems like all I ever talk about now is whether I should return to New York or stay at home in the Bay Area next summer. So I apologize to those who have been at the receiving end of my rants. Please know that I place an incredible value on your opinions, and I treasure every bit of advice you throw at me, even if it's the things I don't want to hear. I've come up with some more ideas and options for myself, and most of the time, it can be incredibly overwhelming. I think the time alone will do me good.

But aside from that, I really am exciting to be cruising. After all, it is definitely a career goal of mine, and I can't wait to be traveling once again. Oh God, and that beautiful Caribbean ocean. I hear paradise calling!

trouble

My sleep schedule is all out of whack, and I think I can attribute it to last week's multiple impromptu plans, all of which led to an unbalanced amount of sleep every night. Or maybe it's the fact that there are a million and one things swimming through my head right now, none of which make any sense and are doing a damn good job of keeping me up worrying tonight. When all else fails, the blog comes in handy.

I'm having a lot of trouble deciding what to do after my cruise gig. (Oh, and nearly four weeks after the job offer was made, there's still no word on when I'll be leaving or where I'll be going... It's a huge headache I'd rather not talk about or deal with till it's done, whenever that may be.) I think the reason is because I have no idea what I want to do. I know what I could be doing, but what it comes down to is whether or not I actually want to devote the next few years to THIS or THAT. THIS being acting, and THAT being whatever else is not acting. I have good arguments for both sides, so it makes the decision-making process extremely difficult. I told myself I'd spend the next six months at sea meditating on the subject, during which I'll probably come up with a solid solution to this problem, but dang it, I'm getting impatient! I want to figure out my life NOW, and I'm really getting tired of not being able to plan long-term, despite the fact that letting go of that concept has really improved my level of happiness in the last year. It's contradictory, I know, but I think I'm quickly approaching a time in my life where I'll be seeking some stability. And I'd like to get a head start if I can.

Yesterday, I woke up with an interesting perspective on New York City. Relatively speaking, acting and living in New York is a brand new thing, so I try to give myself some time to really think about and analyze the goals I set for myself that take place there. In recent months, I've added the elusive Great White Way to my list of long-term goals, and for the most part, it seems fairly attainable and something I can conceivably work toward with the possibility of success. But yesterday, out of the blue, I questioned where that idea actually came from. Is it something that I truly aspire to achieve, or is that something I put on my list of things to accomplish simply because that's what everyone else wants? Every actor dreams of being on Broadway, so I guess that means I have to too. My friends all want to see me on Broadway someday. Also, I certainly have the skill and work ethic to make it there successfully, that much I know. But is that reason enough for me to go after it 100%?

I don't know. And I don't think I will for a while. What has to happen is that I've got to sit down, list every one of my long-term goals for the next four or five years, and analyze it from both sides, stating possible outcomes and consequences of my decisions. Then I've got to prioritize what it is I want out of my life, specifically what I want to happen before I'm 30. Because the truth is, a lot of things will change in four years. First and foremost, the inevitable biological changes that no one is immune to. My voice will undoubtedly mature soon, which may lead to changes in my singing capabilities. And then, of course, there's the whole female-baby thing, which I try not to think about, but damn, that stuff hits you out of the blue sometimes. Secondly, there are financial issues I have to consider: where will I get the money to pay for next year's taxes or an apartment or living expenses in between jobs? And third, do I have the time to do it all? Sometimes I feel like time moves faster than I can process it, and I worry that making the wrong decision could cost me in ways that I couldn't possibly imagine.

I have this feeling that this moment, this particular time in my life, is a very important one. The crossroads I'm currently facing are big ones, and whichever path I ultimately decide to choose will possibly determine the course of the rest of my life. Though deep down, I pray that things aren't that serious. I mean, that's a lot of pressure.

I wish there was something pulling me in either direction, rather than both my choices being equally appealing. If someone could do something to change that for me, you would have my eternal gratitude. Seriously.

cruising

A little over two weeks ago, on my twenty-sixth birthday to be exact, I resigned myself to the fact that I must step back from performing professionally, stay at home, find a "real life" job, save up money, and reevaluate. This isn't at all a bad idea. In fact, it is a completely rational one. An idea that had my brain grinning from ear to ear, patting myself on the back, and saying, "Way to be a grown up." So then why did it feel so awful? Well, because my heart was being forced back into its cage, screaming, "No! No! No! I don't want to go back to cubical cell walls and lackluster office jobs that will certainly be killing me softly!" Alright then. The two of them compromised and agreed on a full-time job in the educational arts field, along with some community theater on the side. A step back, surely, but not a fall back. Okay, we can deal. I spent the next week applying to jobs, never once hearing back from anyone, except for the occasional "Thank you for submitting your application." Ugh.

Then one day, the threat of being not only a former actor but a BROKE former actor really got to me, so I caved in and planned to apply as an administrative assistant to a very large Internet company (HINT: It rhymes with "noogle" and is also the company that supports the program which this very blog is hosted at.). But just as my cursor hovered over the "submit" button, I realized I wasn't ready for that yet. I was too afraid of committing myself to a job, career, and work environment that I knew I would love (I had interviewed with this company right out of college, so I knew what it would be like to work there) and potentially walking away from a career that I ultimately know I was meant for. So instead, I resubmitted to a cruise line agency that I had sent materials into about a month and a half ago. I didn't suspect anything would come of it, as nothing had happened the first time around, but I noticed that the job I originally applied for was being reposted, meaning it either hadn't been filled or a new and similar position had just opened up. There was no harm in reminding the agency of my interest, and I had new performance material to include. I emailed them without a second though and without much expectation.

The days wore on, and eventually I did end up applying to the aforementioned Internet company, much to my dismay. Then, on a fateful Tuesday afternoon, in the middle of my first jazz piano lesson (I recently signed up for piano and guitar lessons to reinstate a sense of purpose in my life as I face unemployment), my cell phone began to vibrate in my back pocket. Embarrassed at the disturbance, I nonchalantly tried to switch it to silent while intently nodding my head, indicating to my instructor that I was listening, when in reality, I was cursing my sister for sending me what surely must not have been a very important text message.

Now, at this point in my story, I have already accepted the fact that I would be staying home for a long time, a year or possibly more, during which I would be working a steady job and performing on the side. It wasn't what I really wanted, but I knew it was the smart thing to do. I could save up money and consider alternate career paths. Because the truth is, I'm not getting any younger. And if I want to do all the grown up things I'd like to do - primarily raise a family - I need some security. I began to think that maybe a little bit of sacrifice is necessary now; I've accomplished many goals in the last few months, and perhaps it's the time to start working on another. It was heartbreaking to think that I might never perform professionally again, but I urged myself not to think about that and take it all day by day.

Okay, back to that text message. Which turned out not to be a text message at all. As I left my piano lesson, I noticed a missed call from an unknown number. Then it hit me - FINALLY! Someone is offering me a job interview! I dialed the voice mail, and eagerly waited for the details.

And that's when everything changed.

My jaw dropped as I listened to the message. It was the cruise line agency, expressing their interest at signing me on as a vocalist. I immediately called back and got the details. I would be signed on with the agency, who in turn would submit me to one of eight cruise lines they work with. Contracts would begin immediately and last approximately six months. I would get an impressive benefits package (relatively speaking, from the vantage point of a non-union performer), and I would be traveling to far off and exotic places for free. I agreed to the terms of the partnership, expressing my sheer excitement for this opportunity.

The following morning, I woke up to yet another call from the agency. They had an offer waiting for me, for immediate placement as a vocalist on Carnival Cruise Lines. I accepted, submitted the contract, and am currently waiting on placement details, which are pending a series of pre-employment requirements. I'll know within the next week or so where I'll be going, and I should be shipping out within a month.

I cannot believe my good fortune. Just a few days ago, I was lamenting the fact that I didn't have any money and possibly wouldn't be performing for a long time. Then this opportunity came along and changed it all. Not only will I be performing for a living for the next six months, but the job is such that I will be able to save a lot more than I had on previous acting jobs. At the end of it all, I will be back on my feet and better than ever!

Sometimes I wonder how it is possible that I am so incredibly blessed. I have successfully started a career doing the thing I love most in the world, and I have encountered and befriended such beautiful, generous, and intelligent people in the process. The relationships I have with people from the past are stronger too, rooted in compassion and gratitude. Not to say that my life has been without hardship; in fact, the archives of this now seven-year blog will attest that much of my life has been highlighted by frustration and sadness. I have made some significant changes in the last year that have positively affected my outlook on life, most of which I will address soon in later posts.

I'll continue to enjoy all this goodness while it lasts. And when the next storm comes, I'll remember what it felt like to be in the sunshine. I'm sure it'll be enough to keep me hanging on until I see it again.

change of plans

Okay friends, here's the deal: I'm staying in California.

How'd that happen?

Well, let me break it down for you. I've kind of been on the fence about this job from the beginning, and the primary reason for it is finances. The theatre I previously was contracted with hired locally, meaning they did not have the budget to support housing or transportation for out-of-town actors. Now, seeing as I did not have an official place to live at the time the job offer was made, I thought it would be entirely possible to move to Ft. Lauderdale on my own and make a living there. Turns out, I was wrong. So very wrong. When I actually sat down and analyzed my finances, I realized there was no way I could feasibly manage the move. Because I'm poor. Dirt poor. Everything that has happened this year - sublet fiasco, student loan payments starting, bouncing between acting jobs with just a few hundred dollars to tide me over until the next one begins - has drained my bank account down to the last meager drops. The time for dreaming is over.

That means I'm stuck in California indefinitely. It's not a bad place to be, believe me. The weather is nice, I don't have to pay rent, and I've already got a ton of friends to see and do things with (although most of them are employed, so I sit around and wait for them to call me after work is over and pray they aren't too tired to hang out for a little bit). My family is supportive of my career and the choices I have made to sustain it. I had a long talk with my parents about my decision to become an actor, which helped dispel some of their worries and, thankfully, helped me gain their trust and support. The only real trouble is that I don't have access to the auditions that will help me build my career. Also, the acting gigs that pay here don't pay very much. If I want to get back to New York, and I really, really, do, it will require some sacrifices.

Lord almighty, I don't want to sit behind a desk. But that seems like my only viable option if I want to get back to New York quickly. Suck it up for a year, make a ton of money, and start all over. The alternative means staying away for much longer, though I'd be doing what I love. Pick up acting jobs here and there, work in performance arts on the side, and slowly but surely save up that cash. Geez Louise, that is going to take FOREVER!

There are other things I have to consider and take care of before I head back to New York. Like the fact that I am now 26 years old and have no health insurance. Or that I have to save up money to pay the income taxes that weren't deducted from my 1099 acting jobs. Or those loans that need to be paid off. Or that I don't have a car to get around the suburbs, and if I'm going to stay as long as I think I am, I better buy one soon. Ugh. How is it possible that I missed the lesson on being a grown up?

I want to believe that this is the right choice, that this will eventually bring me back to where I know I belong. I wish I had a crystal ball at my disposal, one that would assure me that success is guaranteed somewhere down the line, provided that I stick around here for x amount of time. I really hope I don't regret this.

i left my heart in new york city

It's the start of my second week back home in Suburbia, and I can hardly believe the change of heart that's taken place in the last few days. To get to the point: I'm going back to New York City. Of course, not without this break back home and that upcoming job in Florida. But after all that is said and done, I'm returning to the place that my heart has decided to call home.

There were some revelations during my last week in the Big Apple. First of all, it is the mecca of theater, the place I must struggle to survive in if I am to ever reach my life's goals. Second of all, the pulse of the place matches my own heartbeat, my desire to live life to its fullest and embrace all the wonders that exist in my world. And third, and most importantly, it is where my comrades are. These are the people I started the journey with, and I cannot imagine continuing without them by my side. This handful of gracious souls has seen me through the best and the worst, and they are the ones who continuously encourage me to forge on when I know the easier and safer thing to do would be to give this up all together. Their presence in my life has been an incredible blessing.

So now, it just feels like a waiting game, passing time until I'm back in the greatest city on Earth. There are things that must be done, some of which have already been accomplished. While all of that is happening, I'm already planning for my return. And believe me, this time will be so much better than before. I'm a lot stronger, wiser, and happier. I'll do things more efficiently, like find the perfect apartment in a safe and affordable neighborhood without a broker, score a survival job that supplements my career goals, prepare myself more adequately for seasonal weather changes, and present myself with more poise and grace in auditions. There are so many things I can't wait for.

I really hope time begins to fly so that New York and I can be together once again. This time, baby, I'll be bulletproof.

farewell, for now...

A bit of the parting message I left to my friends in New York City.

//

I'm a couple thousand feet above the ground at the moment, though by the time this message reaches you, I'll be safe and sound in California. I'm experiencing a slight sense of deja vu, as I recall being in a similar situation just about two and a half years ago, writing a blog post on an airplane about impending change. Back then, I was flying in the opposite direction, away from home, toward all my hopes and dreams. I had no idea what to expect; I thought that I might leave immediately after finishing AMDA, that it would probably be a year or more before I got my first acting job, and I assumed New York City would never feel like home. I now know that a lot can happen in a year or two, or even in just a few short weeks; that opportunities fall into your lap when the stars align, which happens more often than you think; and that home is truly where your heart is.

Moving to New York was a challenge for me in many ways that I know each of you can relate to. There was, of course, the fear of leaving behind a life that provided financial and emotional security. Then there was learning to adapt in a multi-cultural, multi-sensory, and multi-personalitied metropolis, the likes of which my imagination could only begin conceive. Living here is quite a trip, isn't it? There were other things I had to deal with too, like true independence for the first time in my life, with all its glory and unexpected letdowns.

There came a point during my time in Florida that I wanted to give up the fight, put aside my own happiness, and compromise for the sake of my own sanity. This is the primary reason I planned on leaving New York. What I would have done after that, I'm not really sure. I looked into masters programs for music education and simultaneously researched regional theaters in Southern California. Though nothing seemed very promising or enticing or as exciting as anything else leading up to this point in my life. And it made me seriously reconsider my decision to move back west.

Contributing to that was my "final" week in NYC. Parts of it were hell: downsizing from an entire storage unit to three suitcases and a duffel bag, getting yelled at by crazy people on the street, and spending way more money than my meager actor's budget can currently withstand. But all of that was countered by the time I spent with each of you. I had been so wrapped up in worrying about my parents and moving and trying to make ends meet that I forgot what it meant to feel so devoted to something that nothing in the world can stop you from achieving it. All of you reminded me of that, from planning and promoting your own show, to working multiple jobs at odd hours to support yourself in this expensive city, to doing unpaid gigs just for the sake of practicing your art, and to stepping away from this place for as long as it takes to come back to it. Despite all the difficulties that were evident and the challenges that were present in your lives, I truly cannot recall a time when we smiled or laughed more than we have these last few days. It was so refreshing to see such a vivid reminder of why I came here in the first place, with the belief that the only life worth living is one you're truly passionate about.

So, the point of all this is to say that my time in NYC is definitely not over. It is the place that challenges and encourages me to be myself, regardless of the expectations people have for me. I plan on taking this time at home in California not only to recharge, but to take charge of my own life. Then it's off to Florida for a temporary relocation. Following that, who knows where I'll end up? If I'm really honest with myself though, New York is the only place to be in this country, especially if I want to continue growing in this profession. Besides, despite the saying, "Once a Californian, always a Californian," I know that I've found home in all of you. You are all such an incredible inspiration to me, and I am blessed and filled with gratitude to have you in my life. Thank you, thank you, thank you for being your wonderful, beautiful, and generous selves. New York City is a much better place because you all have been a part of it.

I have nothing but respect and love for you all, and I cannot wait to see where the journey will lead us.

Till we meet again.

sleepless nights

I've had trouble sleeping the last few nights, and I attribute it mostly to the fact that I get too much sleep on the whole. But tonight, my inability to slumber comes from an entirely different culprit. Damn that iced tea I had for dinner. And also, my mind is far too restless for its own good.

I don't know if I've made the right decision about my short-term future. I'm weighing the pros and cons of moving to Ft. Lauderdale, and I feel like my insecurities are steering me in a different direction. I know that my recent job offer is a great opportunity for me, but there are so many things that are making me feel hesitant about taking that next step. Mostly what it comes down to is money and the fact that I don't have very much of it. I've done a preliminary financial assessment, and even if I cut back on all scales and take a second job, I'll still be just barely getting by. And on top of it all, I'll be entirely alone in a new environment. I don't know if that's a challenge I want to take on at this point in time.

I went to church today for the first time in a long time, and the gospel reading focused on material wealth versus spiritual wealth. I strive to be a generous person, sharing my gifts and resources with others in the way that I believe I have been called to do so. And I know that ultimately, the material things are fleeting and all we really have is our relationships with each other and with God. But the trouble is, getting by day to day relies on materialism. I need money for shelter, food, clothing. Not to mention those things I consider to be luxuries, like health care. How am I supposed to find comfort in my spirituality and faith when I don't always know how I'm going to feed myself tomorrow or next week? Is this what it means to serve God?

Of course, the alternative would be to take some time off from acting to get a "real" job, save up money, and start the whole entire process over again. I feel so conflicted with that, though. It's not what I want to do, it's not what I find meaningful, and worst of all, it's leading a company to believe that I want to be loyal to them when the truth is I'm just using them for their money to help kick start my own dreams. And during that time, how would I be using my skills and talents to help others? I love acting because I have the opportunity to bring culture to life, to preserve art, to teach others about history, and to build self-esteem in youth. How can I do all that working in behind a desk?

I know I'm being literal (and a bit dramatic) in my state of confusion and supposed despair. I'm just, once again, seeking answers I'm having trouble finding myself.

I really just need to get some sleep.

the next great adventure

Well, I gave the VLogs a try. I realized that I just don't have the patience to put them together. Or a variety of footage. Also, I feel a little narcissistic doing them; sitting in front of a computer talking about what I've done all week feels pompous and a little bit awkward. So back to text I go.

The 70s Show opened a few weeks ago and was well received. Low ticket sales often result in the canceling of shows, so often, we only do three shows a week. A lot of free time means a lot of movie watching, restaurant visiting, and P90X exercising, all of which are going well.

The 70s Show: Act I Costumes

The 70s Show: Act II Costumes

I've also been going on a bunch of auditions lately, and I was fortunate enough to score my next acting job. I'll be relocating to Ft. Lauderdale in October to be a resident company member with Laffing Matterz Dinner Theater. I'll be performing original political satire music revues, and it'll be nice to have the opportunity to work on new material and create original characters. In the mean time, I'll be finishing up work here in Ft. Myers, going to New York for a week to hang out, perform in a cabaret with some friends, move all my stuff out of storage, then take an extended break back home.

The job in Ft. Lauderdale can last up to eight months, so it's nice to have a feeling of security, at least for a while. I'll still be auditioning for things here and there and will continue to look for the next great adventure. I've been considering relocating to Southern California after that contract is finished, giving me the opportunity to plant some roots closer to my family and friends while still having access to a thriving theater community. But we'll see where the following months take me.

Hopefully good fortune will continue to come my way. I really do appreciate and enjoy it.

to be free

I'm taking a brief interlude from the VLog to muse about some of life's other happenings that I don't necessarily feel comfortable talking about out loud. Also, it's about 5:00 am EST, and I'm having trouble sleeping because of the insane amount of sleep I got yesterday. So I figured I might as well update the blog.

Things are mostly hunky dory. Both shows are going well and are being well received by audiences; I'm starting to see results from P90X (I've just started the fourth week of the program); I'm getting A LOT of rest and relaxation; and I'm enjoying my time away from the hustle and bustle and stress of the big city. But there are prices to be paid for this kind of freedom.

I recently had a falling out, and to be honest about it, it was a bit unexpected. I won't go into much detail, but I will say that the events that transpired left me dumbfounded because ultimately, I was hoping for forgiveness, and at the very least, acceptance, for a decision I made. Neither was offered. Now, I like to think that I am a strong and independent person who can take care of herself in the worst of situations. But so far, I've been helpless. I've tried to come up with solutions to this problem, and the more I think about it, the more I stress out. To make matters worse, I've never really confided in anyone how I actually feel about the situation. See, the thing is, I get the feeling that people expect me to brush it off like it was no big deal, maybe because I seem so strong and independent or because that's what they would do in those given circumstances. The truth is, I've had to hold back tears since it all went down. I feel abandoned, misunderstood, and unloved. It sucks.

So, because of all that, my plans for the immediate future have changed. As a result of a prior falling out that happened right before I came down to Florida for this contract, I don't have enough money to live in New York come mid-August. I had made alternate plans, but those are no longer a viable option. So I'm looking at staying in Florida, at least for the short term. Of course, that means finding a job, securing a sublet apartment, scouring up enough money (which I absolutely do not have) to pay for a reliable means of transportation, and having the courage to be all alone for the next few months. I suppose I could go home as well, but there are a lot more negative things associated with that, primarily because my job options are so limited. At least out in Florida, I could potentially find a professional performing job. Paying gigs in the Bay Area are hard to come by, and I'd rather not wait tables in my home town as a form of survival. I mean, if I'm going to be waiting tables, I might as well do it somewhere interesting.

Other changes must be made as well. For the past month and a half, I've been really good about my budget, but for all of this to work, I have to cut things back even more. I'm realizing that my recent luxury purchase - a used Canon DSLR from eBay - was way beyond my means, so I'm probably going to be selling it at the end of summer to contribute to my survival fund. If I make it back to New York at the end of this contract (pending job offers), I'll probably sell off some of my belongings in storage as well. Basically, I've got to cast off everything I absolutely do not need. I've officially become a nomad.

That's the price I pay for freedom, I suppose. I get the things I want, but I feel so alone most of the time. Perhaps it's time for a reevaluation.