she will be loved

I hear the alarm go off, softly filling my room with music. For a moment, I want to believe it isn't real. Please just be a dream, please let it all just be a dream. I sit up drenched in a cold sweat, resulting from a weary and restless sleep. I turn around and stare at myself in the mirror. My eyes are bloodshot and swollen from hours and hours of crying. My stomach lurches as the reality of it all hits me hard, and the tears begin to flow once again.

She's gone.

I remember a chance meeting a few weeks ago in Davis. I was with my sister and my mother, huddling in the corner of a crowded take-out restaurant trying to find enough elbow room to eat our food somewhat comfortably. I was facing the back of the restaurant, and as I took a bite of my chicken sandwich, I saw my sister's face light up and felt an arm wrap around me. I turned, and seeing no one at eye level, I quickly readjusted my focus downward and made eye contact with one of my dearest friends from my adolescent years. Simply being in her presence made me feel happier than I had in weeks, when the post-collegiate depression had wrapped itself tightly around me and refused to let go. The first thing she did was congratulate me on graduating from Berkeley, even though it had happened months ago, and apologized once again for not being able to go to my graduation party. I laughed it off and told her we would make it up in a few weeks' time, when she graduated from Davis. She talked to my sister about life as a Freshman and left a few words of advice. She asked my mother how she was doing and told her that it was so nice to see her again, after all these years. She hugged me tightly once again and said we'd catch up when she came home for the summer. And then she was gone, leaving an aura of positive energy in her wake.

It was always like that with Angelina. You always felt more comfortable, more at ease, and safer when you were around her. The feelings of love and generosity emanated from her in waves, affecting everyone she came in contact with. My friends and I were convinced that she would one day change the world. And in her absence, we see now that she has.

She led by example, following her heart and pursuing her dreams with incredible passion and vigor. She laughed effortlessly and loved fully. She displayed a compassion towards others strong enough to move people into action. So much of her is imprinted upon the lives of others by her character, good nature, and capacity for love. I feel privileged to have the honor of calling her my friend.

Ang, imagining my days ahead without you is like thrusting myself into a living nightmare. I'm sorry for not saying all the things I could have and for not keeping all the promises I said I would. Life is most unfair to those who deserve it least. And that tears my heart to pieces.

I will keep the memories of you close to my heart. I think of my years spent with you and am reminded that our days are too short to waste away trying to live up to someone else's expectations. I'll smile at more people. I'll laugh more often. I'll be more affectionate. I'll tell the people I care about that I love them because I need to know it just as much as they do. I'll let go of my anger and frustration and resentment to make room for forgiveness and compassion, as you so easily did during your time on this earth.

Te amo, Bajita Suave, forever and ever. May you rest in peace till we meet again.


Angelina Malfitano // 12.12.83 - 05.30.06