so happy together

My love affair with New York City began on April 29, 2008. One year, two jobs, three semesters, hundreds of tears, and an infinite number of laughs later, I'm still head over heels and crazy for this incredible city. This place completes me. And I really don't care how cheesy that sounds because it's the truth, baby, it's the truth.

Here's to many more years to come.



For those that know me, I'm sure you can easily attest to the fact that I am extremely hard on myself. Almost unhealthily so. All of this stems from my experience, which has created a complicated psychological web of troubles that plague me to this day. They probably don't remember this, but one of the more harrowing memories I have of my childhood is of my parents yelling at me, telling me how extremely disappointed they were in my report card: all A's and one A-. ONE A-. Yes, just ONE A-. And because of that, I was a disgrace. I was stripped of all social privileges for a week. Because of ONE A-. Growing up, I was never told by anyone who claimed to love me that I was smart, pretty, funny, or any of the other things young girls long to hear about themselves. I was told to keep work hard, be respectful, become the best in my class in order to gain personal and long-term success.

I resented this for a long time. I became self-loathing and self-destructive because I wasn't perfect, which meant that I would never be successful or happy. But as I grew older, I came to understand that there are certain things that are beyond my control, and this helped me to ease up on my own personal expectations. Though, sometimes I still feel inadequate when I fail to achieve the goals that I set for myself.

Today was definitely one of those days. On the whole, today was a good day: I had my Musical Theatre Dance midterm demonstration, my Acting midterm demonstration, and my Musical Theatre Performance conference with my instructor. I nailed all my dances, I presented my Shakespeare scene very well, and I got high marks on my musical midterm performance. Yet I still can't help but beat myself up about all the things I didn't do today. Right before our dance demonstration, I hurt my toe pretty badly. It had been hurting for a few weeks now, and because I'm stubborn and have no time, I haven't consulted a doctor. I'm pretty sure it's sprained, if not broken. Anyway, it was killing me by the time the demonstration began, and at the end of it all, the head of the dance department commented that my turns were a little off center and balance. Well, of course they would be if my toes, which I use for balance, were all messed up. But instead of thinking of it as a fluke, all I have been able to think about all day is how I should have sucked it up, worked it out, and danced flawlessly, because if I was good enough, that's what I would have done. Similarly in Acting, I received one negative comment, which was to match my breathing to my choices in physicality (e.g. pant when running, shallow breaths when crying, etc.). A small thing, really, but all I have been able to think about all day is how I should have known to do that on my own because if I was smart enough, that's what I would have done. Finally, in musical theatre, I received my highest midterm performance grade to date, which indicates that my skill and comprehension level is progressing well, since I keep doing better and better every time I have a midterm. All I have been able to think about all day is how sub par of an actor I must be because if I was a real actor, I would not have done anything less than perfect.

I hate when I fall into this state of mind. And I wish that I had some random pearl of wisdom somewhere inside me to pull me out of this mind-funk. The best thing I can think to do for now is simply vent.

Well, mission accomplished.


a day in my life

Have you ever gotten to the point where things are just so crazy that it becomes ridiculous to even worry about them anymore? I'm definitely there. The days rush by in a flurry of wind and rain, and I can't even remember the last person I talked to, whether or not I ate breakfast in the morning, or if my cell phone is actually in my backpack and not sitting on to of my dresser. But all I can do is smile and laugh off the worry. Take my schedule for tomorrow, for instance:
  • 7:45-8:30 am: Commute to school
  • 8:30-9:00 am: Final Acting scene walk/talk through (environment work)
  • 9:00-9:30 am: Start reading Flower Drum Song by C. Y. Lee
  • 9:30-11:20 am: Acting class
  • 11:20-12:30 pm: Musical Theatre solo rehearsal
  • 12:30-1:00 pm: Finalize Musical Theatre solo paperwork
  • 1:00-2:00 pm: Voice lesson
  • 2:00-2:30 pm: Continue reading Flower Drum Song by C. Y. Lee
  • 2:30-2:40 pm: Musical rehearsal
  • 2:40-3:20 pm: Lunch
  • 3:20-3:30 pm: Musical rehearsal
  • 3:30-4:00 pm: Dance review for Jazz midterm
  • 4:00-5:20 pm: Jazz dance class
  • 5:20-6:30 pm: Dinner and Acting rehearsal OR Musical Theatre duet rehearsal OR start memorizing lines for final Acting scene
  • 6:30-7:30 pm: Composition elective class
  • 7:30-9:30 pm: Floor Barre and Dance Review
  • 9:30-10:15 pm: Commute home
  • 10:30-Midnight: Homework - Research Flower Drum Song and the American 1950s for Musical Theatre solo work, continue reading Flower Drum Song by C. Y. Lee
Ridiculous, right? Ridiculous! All the other days of the week follow suit, only with more classes taking place during the day, usually (Wednesdays are my shortest class days).

Somehow, between all the madness that is my life of Musical Theatre, I strive to find time to enjoy the city and remind myself that I am a living, breathing, feeling, stressing, worrying, loving, caring, sharing, giving, happy human being. Some of my free time - yes, I actually do find free time every once in a while - has been spent with friends in Chinatown having dim sum, watching movies with the discount tickets we get at school, going thrift shopping, or attending a play or musical. Now, all of this can be considered acting research, and being the multitasking bird I am, I always find some way to relate my everyday life to my work. When you've got limited time like I do, you've got to find millions of little ways to be productive and efficient.

School itself has been going well. I'm still faced with some insecurities about my own progress, but it gets better and better as the days move on. I really have a secure handle on the skills that I've been acquiring over the last nine and a half months, and because of that, each time I work on a scene, song, or dance, I think less and less about technique and more and more about enjoying myself. I attended the Film, Stage, and Showbiz Expo a few weeks ago, where I learned about work opportunities in the entertainment industry. I also recently participated in an introductory seminar/workshop on commercial voice overs, which taught me about recording technique and working as a voice over artist, which is something I am definitely interested in. On top of all of that, I'm currently searching New York City and the surrounding areas for a photographer to take my headshots soon, hopefully by the end of May. I can begin auditioning in June, and I'm really working hard to make sure I'm ready when the time comes.

Things are getting serious here, but I'm not letting the magnitude of it all get to me. It's important to have fun and remind myself to keep doing so. After all, that is the point of all of this - have fun!

Okay then!