For the past few months, I have been seriously contemplating the current state of my life and the direction in which it is heading. I'm content with where I am at the moment: living on my own, steadily saving money, working a stable job. But, I wonder, will I be happy to keep things as they are a year or two years from now?


I've always hoped to be the kind of person who could find happiness in all that I have and have that just be enough. But that is not the truth. I've come to learn that I'm much more dynamic than that. I learn quickly, improve quickly, and feel the need to move on quickly - maybe much too quickly. For example, I thoroughly enjoy my job. And over the past few weeks, staffing changes have resulted in a huge shift, forcing a reclassification of job duties. I've been handed more responsibility and, consequently, more growth opportunity. Yes, I'm excited. But more than that, I'm excited to see how I can take this and apply it to something else. Somewhere else.

Working with in theatre, both professionally and as a hobby, has strengthened my belief that I belong in the performing arts. The performing arts, particularly theatre arts, has fueled and inspired me in a way nothing else in my life ever has. But where, exactly, do I fit in? I'm growing into a strong and creative theatre administrator. My past experience has shown me that with the right education and training, I could become a director. And all throughout my life, I've given my heart and soul to performing on stage.

During these last few months, the need to pursue this passion has grown large enough to propel me into action. I know now what I want to do with my life. Or at the very least, what I want to do for the next few years. So what are the tools that I need? Experience, which I'm gaining through my job. Education, which will require a lot of self-discipline, time, and money, all of which I am willing to give. Resolve, which I must build and hold on to. And there are the risks.

Having spent nearly 23 years of my life in the Bay Area, I believe I've finally exhausted all my opportunities. At this point, there is nothing new left for me to discover. And so, I've decided to bid my home farewell.

I'm leaving California.

Granted, there are several parts of this decision that are still pending. Primarily, where I am going from here. This will be determined by where I decide to work. Given that I want to work in the performing arts, my number one choice is New York City. The opportunities there are endless. And it is a place I've always enjoyed visiting. Orlando is another possibility, where I could work for Disney. My parents, who are very supportive of the soul search, suggested Boston or Seattle, places they both would like to visit and places I would least like to live. But I am keeping all my options open.

Timing is another thing to consider. I am planning on staying with my job for a full two years, at the very least, because two years in a theatre company is the minimum experience I need to get my foot in most doors. That being said, I'll be in Oakland until August 2008, if not longer. While I gain that experience, I'll be saving as much money as I can and actively keep my eye out for job openings. I'll also be auditioning for shows in the Bay Area, as well as larger performance opportunities all over the country. Later this summer, I'll be going down to L.A. to audition for the Disney Cruise Line; things like that. I'm going to continue dance lessons, maybe take a few singing lessons, and re-teach myself how to play the piano. I've got an ambitious itinerary for the year ahead.

Never before have I resolved to take such a life-changing action. Until now, the riskiest decisions I have ever made were choosing to go to Cal and auditioning for American Idol on a whim. And both of those turned out successfully. I give myself far less credit than I deserve. I know that now. So that's why I'm leaving.

All my life, I've wanted something big to happen. I can't expect to find my dream if I don't go looking for it. My fear has kept me rooted in one place for my entire life. But the more I think about all the possibilities, the more my curiosity begins to take over. And I'm in a place in my life where all those possibilities are within my reach. I have freedom without responsibility, risk without the detrimental consequence of failure.

It really is the time to take a chance.


keeping the cat in the bag

Big things are happening. I'm just not ready to talk about them yet.


Things I like: Following through on plans and promises. Courtesy calls. Strong hugs, real hugs. Laughter. Quietness at the appropriate times. Introductions. Music. Singing.

Things I dislike: Those which are contrary to the items listed above.


There's this someone. Each day, I kindly greet this someone with a hello and some small talk. I answer this someone's calls and return the ones I miss. I even ask this someone to relax and cajole with me outside our usual social environment.

What this someone doesn't know is that I'm really quite angry at them.

Moral of the story: I need to learn how to communicate my feelings.


While being busy preoccupies my time and prevents me from dwelling on all the things that are lacking in my life, I've recently found that it perpetuates the feeling of loneliness I've been trying to keep at bay. Sure, I'm doing these incredible things. But where's the fun if you don't have anyone to share it with? And what about the bad stuff that comes with it? Where do I turn when I need a place to vent, bitch, or worse - cry?

I wish I had someone to talk to.


casting call

Ask, and ye shall receive: I just got cast into all three Alameda Civic Light Opera summer musicals!

In July, I'll be playing one of Melvin P. Thorpe's evangelist singers, leading the fight to shut down the Chicken Ranch in Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. For the month of August, I'll be gracing the stage as an ensemble member in Rodgers and Hammerstein's Cinderella. And come September, I'll be staring in my first feature, albeit tiny, role with ACLO as Hattie, Lilli Vanessi's wardrobe lady in Kiss Me, Kate.

Beginning May 21, I will effectively surrender my summer to the stage. Part of me wonders whether I'll miss my free time. But the other, larger, and more truthful part of me knows that there's no other way I would rather spend my summer evenings than in rehearsal and performing on stage. Granted, this means I cannot take an extended vacation this summer. The once-tentative family trip to Spain and Italy is now non-existent. Or rather, delayed until further notice. I haven't taken a real vacation since the holiday season of 2004, when my family and I first visited Europe with a trip to London and Paris. Since then, it's been short trips to Las Vegas and L.A. Nothing more. I worry that my mental health needs a break from reality. But considering how depressed I've felt during my time off from performing, I honestly believe this is the right thing to do for myself at the moment.

Given that fact, I apologize in advance to all my loved ones for dropping off the face of the earth for the next four months. However, the next two weeks are wide open, and I would love to get together for lunch, dinner, coffee, a movie, or a good conversation. You know how to reach me.

Ah, it's good to be back in action!


is it may already?

The month of summer musical auditions has finally come to an end, and here I am, just waiting for final casting notices. And nursing a sore hamstring from dance call backs. My fingers are crossed for something - anything, really. I didn't get into any Woodminster shows. I'm okay with that. From the audition, I could tell the company was way beyond my league. Not really my style, either. My DLOC audition was okay; it's really up to the casting directors at this point. The ACLO auditions were better than average, though I'm seriously kicking myself for blanking out on both dance routines. It's over now, I have to keep reminding myself. All there is left to do is wait.

I'm hoping beyond all hope that I get cast in a show. Since High School Musical ended, I've been feeling blue. Despite the fact that most things in my life are going well, I can't fight off the sadness. Nick pointed out that for me, the measurement of my own happiness is not the issue. Performing is, simply put, the air I breathe. And right now, I'm very close to suffocating.


My parents' new house is lovely. Nestled in the quaint foothills of Mt. Diablo, it is my parents' quintessential home. My favorite part is the back yard, which includes a natural water pool (no chlorine!), beautiful landscaping, and actual redwood trees. I'm looking forward to spending summers by the poolside. I'm also glad to be rid of the wretched commute home on Highway 4. Woo!


As of next Monday, I will be an Oakland resident of one year. Having lived in the Bay Area all my life, Oakland was actually one of the last places I pictured myself living. Who knew it would turn out to be so much fun? Hopefully we can have a repeat of last summer's barbecue party bonanza. Because really, that was one kick ass party.


Album of the week: P!nk's I'm Not Dead. Hella good!