bahama breeze

I'm happy to announce that I finally received my ship assignment! On November 7, I will be joining the Carnival Cruise Line's Sensation as a vocalist, sailing between Orlando and the Bahamas, through May 2011. I'm really looking forward to spending the next six months in tropical paradise and escaping my second winter of the year. Geez Louise, I'm so spoiled.

I'm also grateful for the time I'll have to really meditate and figure out what I want to do with my life after those six months are over. As cool as it sounds to be cruising for six months, the flip side is that without phone, Internet, or TV service, or any real time off the ship (I work 3- and 4-day cruises back to back with little time stateside), I'll essentially be living in isolation. But I'm counting my blessings and am taking this as an opportunity to reflect and asses my emotions about the state of my career and, potentially, the beginning of a new chapter of my life.

I've constantly been mulling over my options during the last few days, and I'm starting to feel bad for my friends because it seems like all I ever talk about now is whether I should return to New York or stay at home in the Bay Area next summer. So I apologize to those who have been at the receiving end of my rants. Please know that I place an incredible value on your opinions, and I treasure every bit of advice you throw at me, even if it's the things I don't want to hear. I've come up with some more ideas and options for myself, and most of the time, it can be incredibly overwhelming. I think the time alone will do me good.

But aside from that, I really am exciting to be cruising. After all, it is definitely a career goal of mine, and I can't wait to be traveling once again. Oh God, and that beautiful Caribbean ocean. I hear paradise calling!



My sleep schedule is all out of whack, and I think I can attribute it to last week's multiple impromptu plans, all of which led to an unbalanced amount of sleep every night. Or maybe it's the fact that there are a million and one things swimming through my head right now, none of which make any sense and are doing a damn good job of keeping me up worrying tonight. When all else fails, the blog comes in handy.

I'm having a lot of trouble deciding what to do after my cruise gig. (Oh, and nearly four weeks after the job offer was made, there's still no word on when I'll be leaving or where I'll be going... It's a huge headache I'd rather not talk about or deal with till it's done, whenever that may be.) I think the reason is because I have no idea what I want to do. I know what I could be doing, but what it comes down to is whether or not I actually want to devote the next few years to THIS or THAT. THIS being acting, and THAT being whatever else is not acting. I have good arguments for both sides, so it makes the decision-making process extremely difficult. I told myself I'd spend the next six months at sea meditating on the subject, during which I'll probably come up with a solid solution to this problem, but dang it, I'm getting impatient! I want to figure out my life NOW, and I'm really getting tired of not being able to plan long-term, despite the fact that letting go of that concept has really improved my level of happiness in the last year. It's contradictory, I know, but I think I'm quickly approaching a time in my life where I'll be seeking some stability. And I'd like to get a head start if I can.

Yesterday, I woke up with an interesting perspective on New York City. Relatively speaking, acting and living in New York is a brand new thing, so I try to give myself some time to really think about and analyze the goals I set for myself that take place there. In recent months, I've added the elusive Great White Way to my list of long-term goals, and for the most part, it seems fairly attainable and something I can conceivably work toward with the possibility of success. But yesterday, out of the blue, I questioned where that idea actually came from. Is it something that I truly aspire to achieve, or is that something I put on my list of things to accomplish simply because that's what everyone else wants? Every actor dreams of being on Broadway, so I guess that means I have to too. My friends all want to see me on Broadway someday. Also, I certainly have the skill and work ethic to make it there successfully, that much I know. But is that reason enough for me to go after it 100%?

I don't know. And I don't think I will for a while. What has to happen is that I've got to sit down, list every one of my long-term goals for the next four or five years, and analyze it from both sides, stating possible outcomes and consequences of my decisions. Then I've got to prioritize what it is I want out of my life, specifically what I want to happen before I'm 30. Because the truth is, a lot of things will change in four years. First and foremost, the inevitable biological changes that no one is immune to. My voice will undoubtedly mature soon, which may lead to changes in my singing capabilities. And then, of course, there's the whole female-baby thing, which I try not to think about, but damn, that stuff hits you out of the blue sometimes. Secondly, there are financial issues I have to consider: where will I get the money to pay for next year's taxes or an apartment or living expenses in between jobs? And third, do I have the time to do it all? Sometimes I feel like time moves faster than I can process it, and I worry that making the wrong decision could cost me in ways that I couldn't possibly imagine.

I have this feeling that this moment, this particular time in my life, is a very important one. The crossroads I'm currently facing are big ones, and whichever path I ultimately decide to choose will possibly determine the course of the rest of my life. Though deep down, I pray that things aren't that serious. I mean, that's a lot of pressure.

I wish there was something pulling me in either direction, rather than both my choices being equally appealing. If someone could do something to change that for me, you would have my eternal gratitude. Seriously.