my big move

I’m composing this blog at 34,000 feet above ground, hovering somewhere over Chicago, between west and east, past and future. It’s incredible to think about how, exactly, I got here. For those who have known me for a while, it’s hard to believe that the girl who is embarking on this crazy journey is the same girl who, years ago, would find it an inconvenience to stand up for herself or her opinions. For those who were able to witness the transformation that took place over the past year, it is truly a testament to the kind of influence you have had on my life. Regardless of how long we’ve known each other, every person I have come across has played a huge role in this exciting time of my life.

For the last few months, I have increasingly become aware of how unhappy I am – or was, rather. After graduating, I worked for a few years, moved away from home, gained my independence, all in the hopes of finding, well, love. Love for myself, love for what I was doing with my life. But all my attempts were fruitless. I felt a lot of frustration, and I began to see it was because my head and my heart weren’t communicating. Always the accommodater, I spent so much time doing things for others because they told me it was the right thing for me. And as expected, the things I wanted for myself just disappeared.

I can’t pinpoint exactly who or what sparked the fire in me. I know that the time I spent in Italy certainly had a lot to do with it. I saw that there was so much beauty and experience to be had in the world, and I didn’t want to be left out of it. Then there are, of course, all the amazing people in my life. Those who have traveled the world and shared your experiences and lessons with those who are so fortunate to cross paths with you. Those who have taught me the importance of family and supporting the ones you love. Those who have shared your passion for whatever it is you love with me. And those who believed that I could actually do this.

Someone told me that when you follow your dreams, all the doors open. This experience has proven exactly that. All things considered, my move has been incredibly easy to manage. And I don’t feel like I’m leaving anything behind, really. Because, I guess, this is where my life was destined to lead me.

So here I am, hours away from the life I always dreamed of. I spent much of my last night in California alone in tears, with emotions coursing through me: nostalgia, fear, excitement, happiness, pride. I cannot wait to see what the months ahead have in store for me. Regardless of what happens – whether I come home by the end of the year or I set up shop in New York permanently as a performer – I know this decision was the right one to make.

Here’s to new beginnings.

razzle dazzle

With all this talk about moving, I completely forgot to document Altarena Playhouse's production of Chicago! We played to a sold out run from March 7 through April 12, and I had one hell of a time, to say the least. It was my farewell performance in California, and I truly could not have asked for a better experience.

Below are some snap shots of the last three months I spent in the theatre. To get the full picture, check this out.


In the girls' dressing room


Me and my babies


I played Go-To-Hell Kitty, and this is my departing inscription on the wall


Billy's girls


Finale

belief makes things real

I have been accepted into the American Musical and Dramatic Academy in New York City! And on top of that, I earned a national merit scholarship that will cover half of the cost of my tuition! It goes without saying, but life is good!

I had a dream a few days before my audition for AMDA where I received a letter of congratulations on my acceptance, as well as an award letter for a large scholarship. I've always been told that the way to achieve a goal is to visualize yourself doing so. I suppose that's what the dream was. It certainly allowed me to remain calm during the auditions process. Though, the rational side of me took over, reminding myself that regardless of whether or not I am accepted, life goes on. And because performing is so much a part of who I am, I also knew that it was something I would keep doing on my own. I told myself, "If it's meant to happen, it will happen."

This proves to me that this is something I am supposed to do. Upon hearing about my acceptance, I had the exact same reaction as when I received my acceptance to Berkeley - I burst into tears. I had wanted this, just like I had wanted Berkeley, for so long. It was a relief and a thrill. But unlike Berkeley, I was awarded a scholarship, and a merit scholarship at that. This school believes in my talent so much that they are willing to give me thousands of dollars to help me become the person I have always dreamed of being. I feel so incredibly justified in the longing I've had all these years.

I believe in myself more than I ever have before, and I know that that simple fact will take me far. I can't wait to begin this incredible journey. My life has just changed for the better.

...

a way back to then // [title of show]

Dancing in the backyard
Kool-Aid mustache and butterfly wings
Hearing Andrea McArdle sing from the hi-fi in the den
I've been waiting my whole life to find a way back to then

I aimed for the sky
A nine-year-old can see so far
I'll conquer the world and be a star, I'll do it all by the time I'm ten
I would know that confidence if I knew a way back to then

So I bailed on my hometown
And became a college theatre dork
I was east-bound and down, moving to New York
So I crammed my life in a U-Haul to find my part of it all

But the mundane sets in
We play by the rules and plow through the days
The years take us miles away from the time we wondered when
We'd find a way back to then

And when you least expect
Opportunity walks through the door
You suddenly connect with the thing that you forgot
That you've been looking for

And there you are
Right in the middle of what you love
With the craziest of company
You're having a kick ass time
And being who you wanted to be in this world
You're that little girl with her wings unfurled
Flying again

Back in the backyard dancing
I found a way back to then