the good, the bad, and the lucky

My blood test results came in earlier this week, and I'm happy to say that I'm completely fine! I apparently had a long-lasting viral infection, but I am feeling much healthier now that the bug has finally passed. Woo!

I love love love my dance classes! I can see that I am slowly getting better. My balance is improving as my core muscles are gaining strength. I've become more aware of my own limbs and how they function, and because practice has made me more coordinated, I'm beginning to understand, consider, and appreciate the aesthetics of dance in addition to the techniques. I really enjoy the challenges that both my musical theatre dance class and tap dance class offer. Both require more discipline and control than I ever would have imagined. Though it is difficult, it is about ten times as much fun!

Spanish class is just as enjoyable. I really need to give myself more credit when it comes to the language. I have held on to more from those three years of Spanish in high school than I actually thought, and I'm hoping the class will really push my brain power. By the end of the semester, I hope to have a casual grasp of it all. I'll probably pursue one or two more classes after this. My co-worker was putting together a Spanish script of our show the other day, and she believes that after this class, I may have the skills to do a live scripted translation. Spanish translation? I never would have thought I'd be doing that as part of my job. And what a great addition to my resume!


Having been sick for almost two weeks, I've slipped back into the bad eating and exercising habits. Also, since my body has been in rest mode for so long, I'm finding it rather difficult to jump back into working out on a regular basis. Alas, I've experienced a slight weight gain. It's really not all that much, but I have this terrible tendency of giving up when the scale tips upward. I can't do that this time. Not again.


Last Tuesday, I was driving out to San Rafael to host a Family Night event for work. I woke up at my normal time in order to get to the gym early in the morning and still have time to run some errands. By the time my work day started at 12:30 pm, I was running out of fuel. And driving makes it worse for me, since I fall asleep very easily in cars. As I was crossing the Richmond Bridge, I could feel myself starting to doze off. I did everything I could to stay awake and alert: chew gum, pat out a beat on my knee, sing along to the radio... Nothing helped. My chin kept dipping downwards, and my eyelids more than happily followed suit. At one point, I actually dozed off, driving a good 60 mph on the bridge, with my head tilted over my left shoulder. A few seconds later, I snapped my head up forcefully, reacting to the feeling of my heart being squeezed. As I tried to figure out what happened, I suddenly realized that I was still on the road and that I had actually fallen asleep. I braked, looked down at my speedometer, and let out a sigh of relief as I saw that I was driving at a safe speed and safe distance from the driver in front of me. I settled down a bit and continued to wonder what exactly happened in those few seconds. I fell asleep. Something squeezed my heart - I had felt the walls of my heart contract from pressure, release, and then the sudden rush of blood outward into my veins. I woke up, and I was still driving. That's when I thought, today is not the day I'm supposed to die.

No one ever determined the cause of Angelina's car crash. The weather was nice. The roads were clear. She had travelled that road so many times before. People suspected she fell asleep at the wheel on her way back to school the morning after Memorial Day weekend. And sometimes, that's all it takes. Half a second. Maybe less.

To the angel who gave me a jolt of life - thank you. I count myself as one of the lucky.




10 days later and the illness still refuses to disappear. I went in to the medical center again to follow up on my first check up. Still waiting. Still not knowing.

I may be broken, friends.


I am stressing out about work. This is not helping my current physical state. It's not the work that gets me, but the amount of time that I'm required to devote to the job. I feel like the world falls apart when I call in sick. No one to cover me, no one to share the load. I've only taken two days off of work to care for myself, and I feel like it's been far too much. I went to work last Thursday looking and feeling miserable, but there was no way around it. And I wouldn't mind so much if it weren't for the fact that the days I take off to get well are less days I can allot for a much needed vacation (two years, DAMN IT!!!). So I force myself to go to work, all the while never getting better and digging myself deeper and deeper into the same hole.

I am on the verge of tears.


I jumped on the bandwagon and became one of them. You know. Them. And here I am, a mere two weeks later, and I've come to the sad realization that I can never be one of them. I expect too much from others; friends, strangers, it doesn't matter. For the most part, it's a great thing. My friends are incredible people, who are some of my life’s many blessings. In times like these, I understand why I've been alone for so long. Regardless, I prefer loneliness to settlement. And I really mean that this time. The butterflies are wonderful, but only if they are truly and honestly real.

It's just the waiting that kind of sucks a little.


My heart will heal, as it always does. But what the hell is wrong with the rest of me?


catch up

To say it's been a while would be somewhat of an understatement. As always, the beginning of the year has kept me busy as a bee. Aside from our season starting up again at work, I have successfully managed to get out to the city for the past two weekends and look forward to doing so again this Saturday. The roommates and I have resolved to visit San Francisco at least once a month because none of us do it enough. And so far, we've been there enough times to last until March.

Ratha took me with her and Kendra to a club in Mill Valley Friday night for a SambaDa concert, a band that plays "Afro-Brazilian samba funk dance music" (according to their website). In other words, happiness rolled up in a chord! It was so great to listen to. The music is really lively and uplifting, and the fusion of samba and funk is so cool! I would have danced if I wasn't feeling tired and under the weather. I didn't realize that it was then I began my descent into the week of terrible sickness.

Saturday, I was feeling better than I had Friday night, so I went out to the city to meet up with some high school friends to celebrate Heidi's birthday at Le Colonial. The place was so posh, totally Heidi. And the music was kickin'. I danced for three hours straight; anytime I wanted to take a break, the DJ would play a song I loved. We seriously didn't get out of there till closing time. It was great fun.

As the days progressed, my feeling of sickness had yet to subside. So today, I finally went to see a doctor for what I worried might be the flu because of my feverish symptoms. The flu was quickly ruled out because I didn't actually have a fever or any type of congestion. The doctor worried I might have tuberculosis, but I had recently tested negative for that, so we were in the clear. At this point, I may either have a viral infection (so for those of you whom I have been in contact with for the past five days, I sincerely apologize if you catch it from me!) or something may be wrong with my thyroid gland. They're currently running some blood tests, so I should find out what's wrong with me in the next few days. I kind of hope it's the viral infection because at least that will pass. But if they find something wrong with my thyroid gland, it might explain why I always feel so cold (I'm wearing about four layers of clothing as I type this).

Because of the illness, I've had to use what little personal time off I've accrued to financially compensate for my time out of the office. Which is kind of a bummer because I was trying to save up for a week-long vacation in March since I haven't been on a real get-outta-town vacation in about two years. So much for that. My parents, though, are inviting my sister and I to accompany them to Italy and Spain in late September. I might just have to take them up on that offer because really, who's gonna say no to Italy and Spain?

It's been waaay too long since I last had the chance to really sing. It makes my heart cry a little. More like a lot. Some of the AiR kids and I are going to karaoke Friday night, so that should help remedy the situation. I just hope I'm feeling well enough to make it out. I bet, though, that just a few hours of singing will make me feel better all over. I bet.

Okay! Going to spend the rest of the day watching movies on the couch! Back to work tomorrow whether I like it or not!

Oh! And I finally got some pictures from Disneyland up. Go to my previous post to check them out. The one of me in the hat is my favorite. ;)


ring in the new

The year is already turning out to be better than expected. The 48 hours spent with my family were enjoyable, and Disneyland wasn't the annoyance that it was last year. The eve of 2006 proved far more pitiful, dampened by a downpour of rain and intolerable crowds. This year, we knew to stay away from the park's most congested areas and were able to take in the holiday sights and sounds much better thanks to the mild Southern California weather.

The family

Feels like being a little kid again

With Pooh Bear in Critter Country

There's a monster on my head

As we waited for the fireworks to appear, my sister and I convinced our mom to join our interpretive dancing to the latest set of kids' pop hits that played over the loudspeakers. My dad walked around and captured the evening on his digital camera. When the clock struck midnight, there was a myriad of yells and cheers, and my family and I jumped to the sound of "Auld Lang Syne," a tradition of ours that states jumping at the beginning of the new year promotes growth and prosperity in the year to come.

I'm determined to make this year better than the last. So far, so good. So here goes.