11.29.2008

ugh

Yesterday, I took some time to think about all the things I am thankful for. This list consisted of the usual and expected: friends, family, music, creativity, New York City. Considering all the incredible things that have happened to me in the course of one short year, you would think that I had so much to be happy about. And yesterday, I tried to be happy. I put on the smile, took in the sights, drank all the booze, and laughed the hours away. But honestly, just below the surface, I was dying inside.

These last few months have often left me speechless, and I spend many of my days staring in awe at the new world that surrounds me. I never would have believed that I would have had the courage to follow my heart and leave everything I've ever known 3,000 miles behind me. Every day, I count my blessings. I have fallen head over heels in love with this city. But because of one stupid, awful, mean thing someone did to me, I am heartbroken every time I turn a corner.

I don't say these things aloud because my friends tell me I'm too good to waste my time thinking about him. They tell me to forget about it and move on. They don't know about what happened to me before and why this was so important to me. They don't know that I still cry myself to sleep and wake up shaken by my dreams. They probably will bitch and moan about what I'm about to write here. Whatever, deal with it.

I have been alone longer than anyone dares to believe. And with each ignored phone call, broken date, or heartless text message, I move one step closer to thinking that I am unlovable. Science tells us that if a hypothesis is proven a certain number of times, it becomes a theory. Each time I meet someone new, I get better at predicting when, exactly, he'll break my heart. And with the last one, I called it five days before it happened. Just one more, and I'll be hopeless.

I'm fuming inside. I don't know why I deserved to have such a mean thing happen to me. I was so incredibly hurt, embarrassed, dejected, ashamed... Honestly, what did I do to deserve that? It kills me to think that he's okay with it all, ignorant to how angry I am. Every time I see him, I want to bash his head against the wall, throw every profane and crude insult I can think of in his face, spread hideous rumors about him all over the city. I feel like I'm in middle school again and everyone is laughing at my misery. And instead of crying about it like I want to, I'm expected to suck it up and live my life like nothing ever happened. But goddamn it, you happened, and you ruined a place I love so so so much. I can't be at school without wanting to hide. I can't be in Times Square without thinking about September. I can't wear my AMDA t-shirt without remembering the night you walked me home. I wish you would just disappear.

Part of the reason I just can't let this go is because I needed to prove to myself that I made the right decision in coming to New York. I had felt so uncomfortable in my own skin for so long that being here, in a place where I believe dreams really can come true, was like breathing again for the first time in years. I felt that my career goals and personal desires were completely justified, and I had finally found the place where I could be myself. And because of that, life and love would just sort themselves out. Life got where I wanted it to go, but love, clearly, not so much. I was never expecting a sweeping romance; I just hoped I wouldn't get hurt again, and in the same way I've been hurt a million times before. But it happened, and I'm starting to believe that some greater power is trying to tell me that I'm just not cut out for that sort of thing.

I don't like it when people who are in relationships try to comfort me. Especially when they tell me they were in my shoes once. It's like your parents telling you about the time, way back, "when I was your age." What do you know about loneliness? Feeling like a complete and utter outcast because at 24, when most people my age are either seriously attached, engaged, or married, I am single for yet another painful, embarrassing, and nauseating year? Praying that someone will return your desperate text message on a Saturday afternoon so you won't have to spend another night alone watching reruns online? Putting a portion of your hard-earned cash into monthly payments for online dating services, hoping that you'll meet a good person through a carefully calculated matching system, only to find out that everyone in the world lies and can skillfully edit their pictures on PhotoShop? Cutting and dying your hair a thousand different ways, losing more and more weight, buying make up and perfume, and forcing your flat feet into four inch heels, all for the hope of catching someone's - dear God, ANYONE'S - attention at a bar? Please, for the millionth time, do not tell me he'll come along one day, like he did for you. I've waited for him steadfastly, impatiently, nonchalantly, demurely, and desperately for years and years. Your pity just serves to remind me how pathetic I really am.

Right now, I want nothing more than to be home in California, far away from the person who has made each day of the past month miserable. For the first time in almost eight months, I don't want to be here.

I hate him for that.

2 comments:

Kris said...

I'm sorry to hear that you got so hurt, Gina. You do deserve better.

But don't feel like you'll never meet someone and be happy. Hell, I'm 24 and I've never been in a serious relationship of any kind. But I know that it's just not my time. Just be yourself and do things that make you happy, not what you think other people want you to look like or act like. You're pretty without all that jazz.

BJ Boshes said...

I'm single!

Just have to keep on being amazing people. Thats you and me. You're amazing, I'm amazing. Sucks doesn't it?

But I heart you and you make me proud.