rethinking

I've been in New York City nearly ten months now, and as of this past Wednesday, I am halfway through my conservatory training. The time I spent here has been enlightening, encouraging, and has really served to build my confidence. However, it has also brought about a new set of questions to be answered.

Compared to many of the students I attend school with, I have very little theatrical experience. I only began performing musical theatre a little less than three years ago, and in the few shows I have participated in, I have never had a large role. I'm usually relegated to the chorus. Perhaps it's because of my inexperience, my age, or - my worst fear and insecurity - my ethnicity. So naturally, being here among people who know their way around this complicated and obscure world makes me feel inferior. But I trust that I have the work ethic, dedication, and vocal and musical talent to get me where I need to go. And usually, that's enough.

But lately, I've started reconsidering. Musical theatre is amazing; I love how this stylized art form embraces the seemingly mundane moments of life and sensationalizes them, allowing us to question our habits and find the magic and romance in the little, common things. On the other hand, a cynic would say that musical theatre is desperately trying to create something out of nothing, using bells, whistles, glitter, and lights to cover up its imperfections and unrealistic representations of the world we live in. And the cynic in me is wanting to speak its mind.

I am so insecure about my future in musical theatre. But the parts that I can contribute to it - meaning acting and singing - are on their way. Maybe that's what I want to do: be a singer/songwriter and do a little bit of acting on the side. Those are my strengths, where I am most skillfully and emotionally mature, where I have the least hesitation, and where I have the most potential of success. Putting singing and acting together though, well, that's where trouble finds me. I feel like I'm trying to put too many things together, and usually it doesn't feel like it's supposed to be that way. I try so hard to make something out of nothing. And I deserve to feel like I'm good at what I do. So perhaps the answer to this problem is just to take a step back and focus on things that I know I'm good at and that make me happy.

I'm going to finish this program because I don't consider myself a quitter and it's been a lifelong dream of mine to attend a conservatory. But in the meantime, I'm going to keep my options open and be on the lookout for something more fitting.

And just so you know, this is totally a metaphor for something else.