archives

Tonight, I was doing a little bit of personal history research for an assignment I had in Musical Theatre, which required me to dig out influential moments from my past. To help with the process, I consulted the archives of my blog to try and find the exact dates and locations of some memories that are less than pristine, having been stored for a while now, and retouch some of the color that has faded over the years. As I was browsing my six-year blog history - and I really can't believe that I've been blogging for that long - I began to get a little sidetracked and sucked into reading some of my very oldest posts.

It's kind of staggering, the amount of growth that has happened in six years. So much of what I wrote about in my early years reflects a life I nearly forgot I had lead. One in which I forced myself into the mold of a person so many others wanted me to be rather than accepting who I was and celebrating the dreams and aspirations I had for myself. But the reality of it is that that's exactly what my life was at 18: making other people happy because I had absolutely no idea what made me happy. Fast forward a few years and stumble over a few of the milestones that shaped me into the adult I am today... The end of my first serious relationship; my participation with my college a cappella group, Artists in Resonance; getting rejected from the Haas School of Business; graduating a semester early from UC Berkeley; being dissatisfied with my first job out of college; moving out of my parents' house; the heartbreaking summer of 2006, filled with the loss of loved ones and the pain of grief; finding a stable and meaningful job at Kaiser Permanente; discovering musical theatre; visiting and falling in love with Italy; and finally, moving to New York. Seriously, if the girl I was six years ago met the girl I am today, she would have never believed we were the same person.

Coincidentally, I began blogging on April 30, 2003. Exactly five years later, I moved to New York. Self-reflection leads to self-discovery, I swear.

I found this on my Xanga, dated April 20, 2004. I thought it was an accurate representation of who I was all those years ago.

I WANT: to find myself

I HAVE: friends who embody the true meaning of charity

I WISH: they could love me just the way I am

I HATE: losing control

I MISS: the days when reality didn't apply to me

I FEAR: being alone

I HEAR: random syllables in the background of every single song I listen to

I SEARCH: for a purpose

I WONDER: what will happen to us over the summer

I REGRET: not saying how I feel when I feel it

I LOVE: wholly, devotedly, and in complete honesty

I ACHE: when I am lied to

I ALWAYS: wonder how it could have been

I AM NOT: as naive as I may seem

I DANCE: when I listen to "Toxic," for more reasons than one

I SING: because it makes me happy

I CRY: when I'm heartbroken

I AM NOT ALWAYS: strong enough to stand up for myself

I WRITE: when I have no one to talk to

I WIN: occasionally

I LOSE: more often than I'd like to

I CONFUSE: myself, mostly

And this is me, a little over five years later.

I WANT: to find happiness

I HAVE: friends who embody the true meaning of charity

I WISH: our world wasn't deteriorating

I HATE: when I don't allow myself to lose control

I MISS: the smell of the Pacific Ocean

I FEAR: not fulfilling my life's purpose

I HEAR: the bustling sounds of the New York City

I SEARCH: for the potential within people

I WONDER: what will happen to us over the summer

I REGRET: not saying how I feel when I feel it

I LOVE: wholly, devotedly, and in complete honesty

I ACHE: when my trust is betrayed

I ALWAYS: give people the benefit of the doubt

I AM NOT: as young as I may look

I DANCE: when the music moves me

I SING: because it makes me happy

I CRY: as a release, out of happiness and sadness and all the emotions in between

I AM NOT ALWAYS: strong, even though I pretend to be

I WRITE: music, lyrics, and prose

I WIN: when I put my mind to it

I LOSE: my inhibitions more and more each day

I CONFUSE: my parents, I'm sure

The important things never change.