unwanted

Auditions are slow this time around, so I'm not doing much at the moment. Thankfully I've got at least one show to keep me occupied through the winter, but then what? I went to Actorfest yesterday, an actor's resource expo, in the hopes of finding more networking and auditioning opportunities. Instead, I got this:

Gina: (arrives at a table, looks at resources, waits to talk to the Exhibitor)

Exhibitor: (to a female Caucasian teenager) We have a couple of seminars coming up, check them out, our casting directors are currently looking for young types like yourself!

Gina: (still waiting)

Exhibitor: (to a young Hispanic man) Check out our upcoming seminars, our casting directors are really interested in young Hispanic males right now!

Gina: (still waiting)

Exhibitor: (to Gina) Oh, hi. Are you an actor?

Gina: Yes, what are your seminars about?

Exhibitor: We have a variety of seminars listed in this pamphlet. Thanks for stopping by.

Okay, so the harsh reality is because I'm not a young or Caucasian or African-American or a bi-lingual Hispanic actor, there is no room for me in this world. Add to that the slim to none chances I have of being cast in a musical theater production, especially as a female, I sometimes wonder why I even try. As if it weren't hard enough being an Asian-American in everyday life, I've decided to try and become an Asian-American actor. Well shit.

Because of this, I have to start considering other options. Annie, Lotus, and I are currently in the process of writing a play about three aspiring Asian-American actors, and with time, patience, and a lot of hard editing, we're hoping to submit it to a festival or two in the future. There are a lot of stereotypes about Asian-Americans that we're not only hoping to dispel, but to own and use to our advantage in order to give people like ourselves a voice that will finally be heard. I've also been thinking about song writing again because there is a part of me that would maybe like to become a recording artist. Maybe. It would require the purchase writing and recording equipment - most notably a digital keyboard and a microphone - and of course, the courage to begin writing again. It's one of the things I lack confidence in, but I suppose if it's something I really want to take a shot at, I'll have to get over it.

And then there's my "real" life. Admittedly, my job is getting better day by day. I really enjoy my co-workers, and they help make my 40-hour work week feel less like 40 hours and much less like work. I did a couple of parties all on my own this week, and I'm starting to get the hang of it. The parties are an excellent life study, and I'm using them as a way to continue my acting education. I worked a job recruiting event, a new student/alumni meet up, and a wedding, all of which captured incredible milestones within these random people's lives. Maybe I'm just being romantic. Or maybe I'm desperately trying not to be cynical.

It's so easy to be cynical these days.

All of this makes me wonder where my life is headed. Right now, I feel like I'm living two separate lives, neither of which really fit well with each other. On the one hand, I'm an aspiring artist. On the other, I'm your average restaurant worker. And a big part of me feels like I'm not taking advantage of the right opportunities. To add to all of that, I'm starting to worry that I'm too old to be taking these sorts of risks anymore. I no longer fall into the "young actor" category, I'm too old to be working entry level jobs, and soon enough, my biological clock will start ticking so loud I won't be able to pretend it's not my time yet. I don't know, I just feel sort of unwanted lately. And I feel like everything I have is not what I want.

Okay, I'm lacking a sense of direction at this point, so I think I'll stop writing. Let's just end it by saying I need some guidance. And maybe a nice, stiff drink.