6.25.2006

bits and pieces

When the best you've got just isn't good enough, you have to seek the kind of help you've never sought before.

...

Lunch with AnnMarie was positively delightful. I've just recently been making efforts to fall back into the swing of things and contact friends I've been out of touch with for the past weeks or months, in her case. We dined at La Mediterranee for my first time ever and spent the afternoon catching up and filling in. We talked a bit about how it felt like to grow up, and she asked me, "What does being a real grown-up mean to you?" Certainly stability. The transition I've been going through for the past six months has proved far less than stable, and it's prevented me from feeling like I would ever get a grip on the things that are supposed to compose my real grown-up life. And though I believe I still have a long way to go, slowly but surely the pieces are falling into place. For the time being, I can be a real kid pretending to be a grown-up. And I'm okay with that.

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I took two of my Pi's out to the city last night to party with some high school friends of mine. We had a great time making introductions over $2 Chuck and sharing stories over shots of vodka. On our way to the Bubble Lounge in North Beach, I had the chance to talk to Daniel, a friend from years ago whom I maintained contact with due to the fact that his youngest brother was dating my little sister. We discussed the recent tragic events of late, and at the end of it all, looked at me and said, "It's so sad. But life goes on, you know." Hearing it from him, someone who felt what I felt, made me realize that yes, it actually does.

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The hours wore on, and the effects of the alcohol I consumed were starting to take hold. We danced the night away to 80's tunes, and as much as I thought I was tired of AiR music, the minute "Love Shack" came on, I flipped out. It was fantastic.

It felt so nice to be in the presence of so many of my friends, and for a good reason this time around. As we danced and laughed and sang along to the familiar music, I felt all my worries melt away. Though there was one thing - or one person, rather - that never managed to escape my mind.

And I realized, I'm not quite ready to give up yet.

...

Driving back to Noe Valley where we would be spending the night, I allowed myself to partake in one of those conversations that I so steadfastly avoid. But in the presence of two people who knew exactly what I was talking about, it was easy to let down my walls.

Through my slurred and stuttered speech, I insisted upon the fact that being single means being better. Observing others' relationships has taught me that strength comes from the individual, and dependency, which so often reigns (something I know from my own experience), can be alarmingly detrimental. It is important not to settle when it comes to love; do we ever let ourselves settle for anything less than perfect in other aspects of our lives? Not at all. My most interesting and fulfilling relationships have been with people who have a strong definition and understanding of themselves. They're more enjoyable that way.

True, it's difficult to battle feelings of inadequacy, especially when you're faced with a seemingly constant stream of rejection. But just like everything else, we have to learn to pick ourselves up each time we fall. Eventually, something amazing is bound to happen.

...

I lay on the floor, curled on my side, in the position that always brought me so much comfort. But in the early morning hours, it seemed as though no comfort could possibly be found. My insides churned, my head pounded, and my conscience said, "You really didn't need that last drink. And you knew it."

This only goes to prove that I still have so much to learn about myself.

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Best hangover remedy ever: blueberry muffin, potatoes, eggs, cheese, more potatoes, and bread, bread, bread. Oh, and you can't forget the bajillion glasses of ice cold water.

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SF Pride 2006. Free love and general debauchery for all.

Total naked person count = 12. That's a lot of naked people.

1 comment:

Kris said...

You weren't the one driving out to Noe valley, of course, not after all those drinks. Right?