lately

All I've been thinking about lately is how much I don't want to be here, at home, anymore. Everything that once made me feel so happy is now frustrating me, making me feel like I can't accomplish anything. Making me want to run away.

I think my trip abroad really illuminated how I was feeling about my life at its current state. Things, overall, are going well. But being away, in a place that made me feel inspired and made me aware of all the incredible opportunities that are available to me, further supported my belief that I have outgrown my home. I can choose to stay and remain as I am - content, but not entirely convinced that I am doing all I can for myself - or I can choose to find something new.

It's time to venture down a different path.

I have had the serendipitous opportunity to meet and talk with a handful of people from my past and soon-to-come future, all of whom had the same message for me: get out of here. I'm finally ready to take a risk and do all the things I've wanted to do but, until now, have previously been scared of doing. Someone recently said to me, "Do you know why Babe Ruth hit all those home runs? Because he swung at every pitch. Swing, Gina." Okay then.

All signs point east. The past few nights, I've been dreaming of Broadway stages, gleaming in the spotlight, fresh snow on slick city streets, the fusion of color and culture that only exists in the largest of cities. I want that. I want to be in a place where anything feels possible and where everything is larger than life. I need something that's bigger than me.

I also want to fall in love. I've been hurt, and I can't help but feel bitter. Leaving this place would mean leaving my heartbreak, and it would give me the chance to start over again and be someone else. Someone free from the scars of the nevers and maybes. Someone who can let her guard down once in a while. Someone who might even believe in fairy tale endings.

I want to do something adventurous with my life. I want to feel like I've accomplished something. I want to be proud of myself, I mean, really really proud of myself. And I don't think I can do any of that here. Not anymore.

That's just how I've been feeling lately.