5.14.2008

clarity

Week two has come and gone, and things are falling into place. I'm moving into my apartment this weekend, along with my first pieces of furniture, and I've spent a few thousand dollars to cover the cost of rent, broker's fees, and all the basic necessities. My first measly paycheck came in, but (hopefully) my funds will be seeing a steady increase over the next few weeks. I went to Accepted Students Day at AMDA, and though I didn't meet anyone like I had intended - about 95% of the students there were 17- and 18-year-old high school graduates flocked by their parents and gabbing with one another, sharing the excitement and fear of being on their own for the first time - I did gain a lot of insight about the program I'm about to dive into. It requires discipline, focus, and determination, which I believe I have accumulated large stores of over the last few years. I'm uncertain and a little bit afraid of what lies ahead, but regardless, I'm going to attempt this new challenge with everything I have.

Being at AMDA, as well as being by myself here in New York, has given me the opportunity to really reflect on the kind of growth that has happened over the the last two weeks, let alone the last few months. Admittedly, it has been really difficult to adjust while being so far away from Manhattan, where everything I want is waiting for me to get there. Because my commute is about two hours into the city, I haven't had a good opportunity to really learn the city and meet any people. So, as expected, I have felt lonely. But it's a different kind of lonely. Back home, I felt completely alone because I couldn't find what I wanted and I felt like no one understood the kind of passion I have in me. Here, I am by myself, and there's definitely homesickness because I'm surrounded by so many unfamiliar things. However, the pace and the character of this place makes me feel like anything is possible and that all the questions I have about myself and what's in store for me will soon be answered. That understanding and realization has helped me let go of a lot of the sadness and resentment that have been weighing me down the last few months. It feels so refreshing.

I had a conversation with my dear friend Chris last night, and while I will leave the details out of this blog for the sake of myself and the sake of an unknowing person who I still consider a friend at the end of our story, I will say that it put much of the last few months into perspective. Throughout this whole process, my family and friends have kept telling me how courageous I've been in pursuing my dreams and how proud they are of me. But until now, the reflection I saw in the mirror was not of a strong person. Until now, I saw a timid person who only took a chance because she was afraid of what might become of her if she didn't listen to her heart. The independence I've gained in the last two weeks, and the insight provided by a few choice words, has given me the confidence to know that what I am doing is admirable and that I can make it through anything. Few people are willing to put their heart out on the line, knowing it will get broken, beaten, and bruised on the way to happiness. But I did it, and I turned out okay after yet another disappointment. There is no resentment, only closure. And clarity.

There is so much to learn here: about myself, about all the places life can take me. It's incredible. I almost can't believe I have the good fortune of being able to experience all this at such a perfect time in my life.

I guess that's destiny for you.

2 comments:

Kris said...

"Until now, I saw a timid person who only took a chance because she was afraid of what might become of her if she didn't listen to her heart."

Are you kidding me? That's exactly the kind of brave, courageous, adventuresome person that I've always known you to be. A truly timid person would never have taken that chance in the first place. I admire you so much for doing this, Gina. And your adventure is only just beginning again.

Sandie said...

I would have to agree with your good friend Chris. Since I met you during your freshman year in high school you have impressed me with your intelligence, curiosity, warmth, dedication, passion and talent! I have always seen you as a woman who will succeed in every endeavor you choose to try. Follow your dreams, Gina. You are a very special person.