I woke up at 6:00 am that Thursday morning, October 15. My eyes were raw from the crying that had taken place over the last few days following my graduation. There was an empty void inside me that was once occupied by the daily presence of a good friend who had recently moved thousands of miles away. My morale was low after the tormenting battle between my heart and my head about the direction in which my future was about to go. As I walked to the subway station in the early morning hours, on my way to what would surely be another disappointing audition, I began to wonder why I continued to try when all I wanted to do was crawl into a hole and disappear.

Then, the ticket dispenser gave me this:

It's times like these that I know God speaks to me.

I've kept this reminder in my wallet since then, and I plan on holding it close in the months to come. I need to have something with me to keep going, to fight for the happiness I know I deserve. I moved to this strange place all by myself so that I could take hold of my dreams and live them. Maybe that sounds cheesy. But if it does, then I guess you've never tried to do it yourself.

Trying to be an actor in this city is more than trying to accomplish the impossible. It's like willingly offering yourself up as a sacrifice to the most unyielding tyrant in all of history. And doing it over and over and over again. Why go through it? Because in that one, singular moment when you do get a taste of victory, it is so fulfilling that you feel like you could fix the world of all its ailments with time and energy to spare.

I've been doing a lot of thinking over the last few weeks about where my career is heading. The difficult part is that I really feel like I'm at a crossroads. I've just began to embark on a performing career, but simultaneously, I'm picking up where I left off professionally in order to make it day by day and survive. So where do I go? Should I start back at square one and compete with people who are younger than me, more talented than me, better looking than me, more marketable than me? Or should I continue along the path I already carved out for myself, where I feel confident in my abilities and sure of my success? I don't have any answers, and I fear that time is slipping away from me faster than I can process all this information.

The only thing I can do is take it day by day.

Today was my first open call in over a month. Actually, my first open call since the day I got that subway card. On October 15, as I walked into the audition room, the back of my dress ripped open, my nearly tripped over my own feet in three-inch heels, I sang a song I had never heard on the piano - and quite horribly at that - but despite all those mishaps, I was told by the casting director that I would be placed on a list of potential hires for the 2010 season of Carnival Cruise Lines productions. Today, at the open call for Norwegian Cruise Lines, I was put together, confident, sang impeccably, and was sent off without a word.

The truth about this industry is that none of it makes sense. All I have to believe in is the strength of my character and my love of the art form. That's what gets me through it all. Well, that and the knowledge that I have the ability and right to make the best decisions for myself. Meaning: I've dropped out of my Off-Broadway show. There were numerous factors contributing to this, but mostly, it wasn't right for what I need at this very moment. Of course I'm sad to lose that experience and that credit in regards to my artistic development, but I have faith that something else - perhaps something perfect - will come along soon.

Que sera sera, whatever will be, will be.

1 comment:

Sylvia said...

Not that it's always much consolation, but there are people sending good thoughts your way even when you don't know it. :o)