late night limbo

As my days in Miami come to an end, I start to worry that I don't have much else to look forward to. I'm big on planning, and thus far, I've been fortunate enough to have things come and go in a timely manner. But this time, I'm looking forward into a great big void. I'm returning to New York City in less than a week, moving into a new apartment with relative strangers, just a little bit of money, and completely unemployed. Worrisome, yes, though this is how it all started two years ago. It's hard to keep my faith, but I have to believe that everything happens for a reason and that I will end up where I'm supposed to be. Otherwise, I'll fall to pieces. This is a very hard thing for a Virgo to do.

I've had an incredible time working on the show and seeing what life would be like as an actor. But is this something I can really sustain myself on? The instability is frightening, though the rewards are great. Beyond great even. There are roadblocks, namely my own insecurities, so it's hard to feel like I can devote myself to this 100% all the time. I mean, I like it and all, but couldn't there possibly be something more stable, and more lucrative, which would make me just as happy as I am now? Geez, wouldn't that be easy.

I wish I had the answers. More than that, I wish I knew exactly what it is I want out of life. For so long, I've felt like I had everything under control because of my maturity and experience. I'm starting to feel like I'm not as put together as I hoped I would be or as everyone else perceives me. Because the truth is I'm just a 25-year-old girl trying to figure out who she is and what she can offer to the world.

I also have this sneaking suspicion that I'm running away from something. I really can't say what or who it is, but I often get this feeling like I need to leave before things settle or before my heart breaks one more time. I guess I've had a lot of disappointment in my life and would prefer not to deal with it yet again. Though overall, I think I'm stronger than I was before. So the question is, what am I afraid of?

That being said, I've got some ideas in my head for where I'd like to be one, three, or five years from now. Some of those scenarios include New York City, many of them do not. I don't know what I expect to find in all these places. Maybe love. Maybe happiness. Maybe wealth. Maybe freedom. Is it possible that all of these things can exist in one place, in a neatly combined package I could purchase at a convenience store with a Bachelor's Degree, a Professional Certificate, or maybe a hearty resume? That would be nice. I'm getting tired of searching, though I sense that there is a lot more of it to come.

I guess what I'm trying to say is: I feel so behind. So many people I know have begun to establish their careers, have fallen in love, have started families. All of which I WANT. Maybe even NEED. Yes, I'm jealous. Even though I'm following my dreams, I wonder whether they're really my dreams to be had. Am I supposed to do the things everyone else is doing? And if so, why am I taking the long way to get there? Am I making the right choices for myself? Will I ever not feel alone in this world?

Dear God, I could use a sign right about now.

1 comment:

Sylvia said...

So glad you had such a great experience in Miami. And I bet that once you're through the post-thrill letdown, you'll be onto the next adventure. Not to invalidate the way you're feeling, of course, but life's never simple. Wouldn't it be great if it were? Or maybe not. Maybe then we'd get bored. Are we never satisfied? :o)