to be free

I'm taking a brief interlude from the VLog to muse about some of life's other happenings that I don't necessarily feel comfortable talking about out loud. Also, it's about 5:00 am EST, and I'm having trouble sleeping because of the insane amount of sleep I got yesterday. So I figured I might as well update the blog.

Things are mostly hunky dory. Both shows are going well and are being well received by audiences; I'm starting to see results from P90X (I've just started the fourth week of the program); I'm getting A LOT of rest and relaxation; and I'm enjoying my time away from the hustle and bustle and stress of the big city. But there are prices to be paid for this kind of freedom.

I recently had a falling out, and to be honest about it, it was a bit unexpected. I won't go into much detail, but I will say that the events that transpired left me dumbfounded because ultimately, I was hoping for forgiveness, and at the very least, acceptance, for a decision I made. Neither was offered. Now, I like to think that I am a strong and independent person who can take care of herself in the worst of situations. But so far, I've been helpless. I've tried to come up with solutions to this problem, and the more I think about it, the more I stress out. To make matters worse, I've never really confided in anyone how I actually feel about the situation. See, the thing is, I get the feeling that people expect me to brush it off like it was no big deal, maybe because I seem so strong and independent or because that's what they would do in those given circumstances. The truth is, I've had to hold back tears since it all went down. I feel abandoned, misunderstood, and unloved. It sucks.

So, because of all that, my plans for the immediate future have changed. As a result of a prior falling out that happened right before I came down to Florida for this contract, I don't have enough money to live in New York come mid-August. I had made alternate plans, but those are no longer a viable option. So I'm looking at staying in Florida, at least for the short term. Of course, that means finding a job, securing a sublet apartment, scouring up enough money (which I absolutely do not have) to pay for a reliable means of transportation, and having the courage to be all alone for the next few months. I suppose I could go home as well, but there are a lot more negative things associated with that, primarily because my job options are so limited. At least out in Florida, I could potentially find a professional performing job. Paying gigs in the Bay Area are hard to come by, and I'd rather not wait tables in my home town as a form of survival. I mean, if I'm going to be waiting tables, I might as well do it somewhere interesting.

Other changes must be made as well. For the past month and a half, I've been really good about my budget, but for all of this to work, I have to cut things back even more. I'm realizing that my recent luxury purchase - a used Canon DSLR from eBay - was way beyond my means, so I'm probably going to be selling it at the end of summer to contribute to my survival fund. If I make it back to New York at the end of this contract (pending job offers), I'll probably sell off some of my belongings in storage as well. Basically, I've got to cast off everything I absolutely do not need. I've officially become a nomad.

That's the price I pay for freedom, I suppose. I get the things I want, but I feel so alone most of the time. Perhaps it's time for a reevaluation.

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