sleepless nights

I've had trouble sleeping the last few nights, and I attribute it mostly to the fact that I get too much sleep on the whole. But tonight, my inability to slumber comes from an entirely different culprit. Damn that iced tea I had for dinner. And also, my mind is far too restless for its own good.

I don't know if I've made the right decision about my short-term future. I'm weighing the pros and cons of moving to Ft. Lauderdale, and I feel like my insecurities are steering me in a different direction. I know that my recent job offer is a great opportunity for me, but there are so many things that are making me feel hesitant about taking that next step. Mostly what it comes down to is money and the fact that I don't have very much of it. I've done a preliminary financial assessment, and even if I cut back on all scales and take a second job, I'll still be just barely getting by. And on top of it all, I'll be entirely alone in a new environment. I don't know if that's a challenge I want to take on at this point in time.

I went to church today for the first time in a long time, and the gospel reading focused on material wealth versus spiritual wealth. I strive to be a generous person, sharing my gifts and resources with others in the way that I believe I have been called to do so. And I know that ultimately, the material things are fleeting and all we really have is our relationships with each other and with God. But the trouble is, getting by day to day relies on materialism. I need money for shelter, food, clothing. Not to mention those things I consider to be luxuries, like health care. How am I supposed to find comfort in my spirituality and faith when I don't always know how I'm going to feed myself tomorrow or next week? Is this what it means to serve God?

Of course, the alternative would be to take some time off from acting to get a "real" job, save up money, and start the whole entire process over again. I feel so conflicted with that, though. It's not what I want to do, it's not what I find meaningful, and worst of all, it's leading a company to believe that I want to be loyal to them when the truth is I'm just using them for their money to help kick start my own dreams. And during that time, how would I be using my skills and talents to help others? I love acting because I have the opportunity to bring culture to life, to preserve art, to teach others about history, and to build self-esteem in youth. How can I do all that working in behind a desk?

I know I'm being literal (and a bit dramatic) in my state of confusion and supposed despair. I'm just, once again, seeking answers I'm having trouble finding myself.

I really just need to get some sleep.

1 comment:

The Newsgirl said...

Believe it or not, but I'm in the same boat. Do I get a desk job, because I'm back at Starbucks and while it isn't as hellacious as it once was to me, it's not providing me with a stable income. I can't wait to see you and really get a chance to talk.