My sleep schedule is all out of whack, and I think I can attribute it to last week's multiple impromptu plans, all of which led to an unbalanced amount of sleep every night. Or maybe it's the fact that there are a million and one things swimming through my head right now, none of which make any sense and are doing a damn good job of keeping me up worrying tonight. When all else fails, the blog comes in handy.

I'm having a lot of trouble deciding what to do after my cruise gig. (Oh, and nearly four weeks after the job offer was made, there's still no word on when I'll be leaving or where I'll be going... It's a huge headache I'd rather not talk about or deal with till it's done, whenever that may be.) I think the reason is because I have no idea what I want to do. I know what I could be doing, but what it comes down to is whether or not I actually want to devote the next few years to THIS or THAT. THIS being acting, and THAT being whatever else is not acting. I have good arguments for both sides, so it makes the decision-making process extremely difficult. I told myself I'd spend the next six months at sea meditating on the subject, during which I'll probably come up with a solid solution to this problem, but dang it, I'm getting impatient! I want to figure out my life NOW, and I'm really getting tired of not being able to plan long-term, despite the fact that letting go of that concept has really improved my level of happiness in the last year. It's contradictory, I know, but I think I'm quickly approaching a time in my life where I'll be seeking some stability. And I'd like to get a head start if I can.

Yesterday, I woke up with an interesting perspective on New York City. Relatively speaking, acting and living in New York is a brand new thing, so I try to give myself some time to really think about and analyze the goals I set for myself that take place there. In recent months, I've added the elusive Great White Way to my list of long-term goals, and for the most part, it seems fairly attainable and something I can conceivably work toward with the possibility of success. But yesterday, out of the blue, I questioned where that idea actually came from. Is it something that I truly aspire to achieve, or is that something I put on my list of things to accomplish simply because that's what everyone else wants? Every actor dreams of being on Broadway, so I guess that means I have to too. My friends all want to see me on Broadway someday. Also, I certainly have the skill and work ethic to make it there successfully, that much I know. But is that reason enough for me to go after it 100%?

I don't know. And I don't think I will for a while. What has to happen is that I've got to sit down, list every one of my long-term goals for the next four or five years, and analyze it from both sides, stating possible outcomes and consequences of my decisions. Then I've got to prioritize what it is I want out of my life, specifically what I want to happen before I'm 30. Because the truth is, a lot of things will change in four years. First and foremost, the inevitable biological changes that no one is immune to. My voice will undoubtedly mature soon, which may lead to changes in my singing capabilities. And then, of course, there's the whole female-baby thing, which I try not to think about, but damn, that stuff hits you out of the blue sometimes. Secondly, there are financial issues I have to consider: where will I get the money to pay for next year's taxes or an apartment or living expenses in between jobs? And third, do I have the time to do it all? Sometimes I feel like time moves faster than I can process it, and I worry that making the wrong decision could cost me in ways that I couldn't possibly imagine.

I have this feeling that this moment, this particular time in my life, is a very important one. The crossroads I'm currently facing are big ones, and whichever path I ultimately decide to choose will possibly determine the course of the rest of my life. Though deep down, I pray that things aren't that serious. I mean, that's a lot of pressure.

I wish there was something pulling me in either direction, rather than both my choices being equally appealing. If someone could do something to change that for me, you would have my eternal gratitude. Seriously.

No comments: