running, running

Although it might seem that I have fallen off the face of the earth, I am indeed alive and well. Just very very busy. Too much to explain, too much to understand. So I guess I'll leave it at that.

Today at rehearsal, I was startled by two incidents of self-realization. First was a brief discussion with a fellow cast member, who I don't know too well but is nice enough to say hello every rehearsal. The contents of this discussion are irrelevant, at least to my general reading audience, and the point that needs to be made is about the personal epiphany that resulted from the conclusion of this conversation. Moral of our two-second story: the only person who has a disagreeable opinion about myself is myself.

The second incident of self-realization happened during vocal warm-ups, with me standing by the upright piano, sipping my vanilla latte, and seeing my reflection in the mirrors that line our dance space. The thought that came to my mind: "I've lost weight." YES! For the first time in months! It has been difficult, struggling to shed the pounds I accumulated from the all emotional eating that occurred in the beginning of summer when tragedy so relentlessly struck. But in recent weeks, I've been happier than I've been for most of the year, given everything that I've been through - post-collegiate transition and the inevitable bout of depression that accompanies it, departure from home, streamlining of friends, re-evaluation of various relationships and their status, loss after loss after loss, and the horrifying gain after gain after gain. I was so angry at myself; I worked so hard to shed nearly 20 pounds last summer and kept most of it off throughout my last semester in school. Then, not even six months later, I gained half of it back, citing my life's events as the evil perpetrator but secretly knowing it was my own self-discipline I had to blame. So with my new job came a new start. And after just three weeks, I've slimmed down. Granted, I'm nowhere near where I was in December, and this time around, the weight is ridiculously difficult to lose because I'm not putting my body into a physical state of shock like I did last May when I dramatically changed my eating patterns and lifestyle. But like the tortoise, I am certain that slow and steady progress will help me win this race, for good.

Rehearsals are challenging. I feel like crying all the time. Not because I'm sad, but because that's what I'm supposed to do while in character. And sometimes, I actually do it. It's kind of draining, really, and weird at the same time. I've never really dealt with emotions in this way as a performer: physical, rather than just an inflection of the voice. It's kind of cool, being able to push myself to this new limit. Fun. Effective, yeah.

I've been spending my time outside of work and rehearsal working on a Business Manager handbook for AiR. It's amazing how much stuff I kept inside my head and never told anyone about. Tasks to be completed, contacts for services, tips on how to get around all the red tape. Once I got it all on paper, I realized how much work I actually did each year. Large amounts of work, to be completely honest. Most of it, though, was setting everything up to make managing easier for years to come. Now, I've got all these pages written, detailing all the responsibilities and things that need to be taken care of week by week, month to month. I hope it can be a good resource for the group. It's a nice goodbye present for AiR, I think.

I feel kind of bad about not keeping in contact with my friends. I do that when I get really busy, shut myself off from the world. I don't call my friends who are nearby because I figure they'll still be here and available to hang out when I'm done being busy. I don't call my friends who aren't nearby because I assume they're as busy as I am and will understand, when I actually do call them weeks after I initially intend to, that I myself have been quite busy. I don't respond to emails, voice mails, or text messages. For now, there are more important things to do.

But before I continue to rush through my progression of work-work-work, I feel the need to apologize to all the people I care about. To all my friends in school, best of luck your first day back. Please take pictures and recall stories for me sometime soon because as much as I love the "real world," I do miss college. To all my friends who work, I'm certain that there will come a time when you too will be so overwhelmed by your responsibilities that you will forget that anything else exists in this world. Please provide me with your unconditional understanding because I promise to do so when you are in my shoes at your designated place and time. To my long-distance friends, I think of you often and I'm so sorry that I don't tell you often enough that I do. I hope life is treating you well in your respective corners of the world. When I have more than just a moment to breathe, I will try my best to call you.

Virtual hugs to all of you. Sometime soon, we'll have to do the real thing.

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