internal dialogue

Tuesday evening, 5:36 PM. A parking spot at the intersection of Channing and Prospect. Sweet. I jog up the steps of the Pi just in time for dinner. The boys of KDR are standing outside, de-thorning roses in preparation for their pledge serenade. I think of Brian and what he might be doing at this exact moment. At the door, I run into familiar faces whose expressions radiate with the warmth that accompanies homecoming. Both literally, in their cases, and figuratively, in mine. Inside, I plant myself next to my Lil Sis and former roommate and summarize the details of the past two weeks over roasted potatoes and herbed chicken, with the sound of embarrassed pledges singing along to Frank Sinatra in the background. I think to myself, times like these don't happen enough.

The doorbell rings, signifying the arrival of the East Bay Alumnae Chapter and the official start to my first alumnae chapter meeting. The experience is surreal, meeting these sister/strangers with whom I have so much in common with. It fuels my fascination with institutions and the means by which people organize themselves in hopes of creating a long-lasting legacy.

The meeting progresses. We discuss Sigma Chapter's upcoming centennial, the repair of house windows, membership dues, potential activities, and future meeting dates. And then it's time for officer elections. My ears perk up, my back straightens, and I feel myself inching towards the edge of my seat. All the while, my conscience is screaming, "What are you doing? WHAT are you doing?"

I can't help it. I am too much of a control freak. I long for a channel through which my opinion on executive matters can be heard. Yes, I can really be neurotic sometimes. While volunteers were being taken left and right, I engage in a mental battle with myself.

Arguments for taking office:

1. I'm the youngest alumna in the chapter! I have fresh new ideas that will drastically improve the running of our organization!
2. I've been an officer before, I can do it again!
3. If I'm going to be involved, might as well take the lead!

Arguments for not taking office:

1. I'm the youngest alumna in the chapter - basically I'm stupid, clueless as to what post-collegiate chapter life is really like, have never worked with any other alumnae, and don't even know what the real purpose of an alumnae chapter is.
2. I've been an officer before - and with all the stress it caused, why the hell would I want to do it again?
3. If I'm going to be involved - better just take baby steps before I bite off more than I can chew.

I almost took office. Everyone else had volunteered before I finished my internal dialogue. I still don't know whether or not I'm actually disappointed. I signed up to be a chapter advisor, just in case I turn out to be.

Again, "WHAT are you doing?"

Trying to stay connected for as long as possible. Helping out wherever I can. Slowly and secretly attempting to take over this whole operation.

A little bit of everything.

Mostly, I'm seeking to satisfy the need of a little girl who wants to be a part of something big.